The Vision Quest is over: A personal reflection

0:01 There's no better place to pause and

0:01 There's no better place to pause and reflect than a cemetery, which is

0:04 reflect than a cemetery, which is

0:04 reflect than a cemetery, which is exactly what I'm doing here in

0:05 exactly what I'm doing here in

0:05 exactly what I'm doing here in Quartzsite, Arizona. Just over the

0:08 Quartzsite, Arizona. Just over the

0:08 Quartzsite, Arizona. Just over the horizon, about 17 miles away, is the

0:10 horizon, about 17 miles away, is the

0:10 horizon, about 17 miles away, is the border of California, my home state.

0:13 border of California, my home state.

0:13 border of California, my home state. Although it's still a long drive to get

0:15 Although it's still a long drive to get

0:15 Although it's still a long drive to get to my home in Orange County. So, I've

0:18 to my home in Orange County. So, I've

0:18 to my home in Orange County. So, I've stopped here in Courtsite before I reach

0:21 stopped here in Courtsite before I reach

0:21 stopped here in Courtsite before I reach the border. I've been on a long drive

0:23 the border. I've been on a long drive

0:23 the border. I've been on a long drive from Florida back home to California.

0:26 from Florida back home to California.

0:26 from Florida back home to California. Six weeks ago, the sudden and unexpected

0:28 Six weeks ago, the sudden and unexpected

0:28 Six weeks ago, the sudden and unexpected death of my friend Adam, who you all

0:31 death of my friend Adam, who you all

0:31 death of my friend Adam, who you all knew as Adam the Woo,

0:33 knew as Adam the Woo,

0:33 knew as Adam the Woo, um

0:35 um

0:35 um caused me to go to Florida,

0:38 caused me to go to Florida,

0:38 caused me to go to Florida, see what I could do to help his family,

0:39 see what I could do to help his family,

0:39 see what I could do to help his family, his friends, and of course lay my friend

0:41 his friends, and of course lay my friend

0:41 his friends, and of course lay my friend to rest. It was a big hit. I've been

0:44 to rest. It was a big hit. I've been

0:44 to rest. It was a big hit. I've been friends for a long time. And I knew

0:48 friends for a long time. And I knew

0:48 friends for a long time. And I knew even as I was flying to Florida that if

0:51 even as I was flying to Florida that if

0:51 even as I was flying to Florida that if I just came back home straight to

0:53 I just came back home straight to

0:53 I just came back home straight to California, I would probably lose my

0:55 California, I would probably lose my

0:55 California, I would probably lose my mind just going back to my room and

0:58 mind just going back to my room and

0:58 mind just going back to my room and staring at the walls and get depressed

0:59 staring at the walls and get depressed

0:59 staring at the walls and get depressed and not be very functional. So I decided

1:04 and not be very functional. So I decided

1:04 and not be very functional. So I decided before I even landed in Florida that I

1:06 before I even landed in Florida that I

1:06 before I even landed in Florida that I would drive back to California.

1:10 would drive back to California.

1:10 would drive back to California. That would force me to be out of the

1:13 That would force me to be out of the

1:13 That would force me to be out of the house as it were. it would force me to

1:16 house as it were. it would force me to

1:16 house as it were. it would force me to film videos and kind of get back to

1:19 film videos and kind of get back to

1:19 film videos and kind of get back to normal in a way. So, first I went up to

1:21 normal in a way. So, first I went up to

1:21 normal in a way. So, first I went up to Georgia to see our mutual friend Tyler

1:23 Georgia to see our mutual friend Tyler

1:23 Georgia to see our mutual friend Tyler Evans

1:25 Evans

1:25 Evans who uh assisted me a lot in the

1:28 who uh assisted me a lot in the

1:28 who uh assisted me a lot in the beginnings of this channel many many

1:30 beginnings of this channel many many

1:30 beginnings of this channel many many many years ago and also was Adam's

1:33 many years ago and also was Adam's

1:33 many years ago and also was Adam's roommate for a long time. We had a good

1:35 roommate for a long time. We had a good

1:35 roommate for a long time. We had a good time there

1:36 time there

1:36 time there and I made my way westward across the

1:39 and I made my way westward across the

1:39 and I made my way westward across the country. took a different path than I

1:41 country. took a different path than I

1:41 country. took a different path than I was expecting. Just the big winter storm

1:44 was expecting. Just the big winter storm

1:44 was expecting. Just the big winter storm and the ice. So, I had to lay by in

1:46 and the ice. So, I had to lay by in

1:46 and the ice. So, I had to lay by in Louisiana for a few days, but ever since

1:48 Louisiana for a few days, but ever since

1:48 Louisiana for a few days, but ever since then, I've been making my way across

1:51 then, I've been making my way across

1:51 then, I've been making my way across Texas and then the far southwest

1:55 Texas and then the far southwest

1:55 Texas and then the far southwest along I 10. Done a lot of long drives

1:57 along I 10. Done a lot of long drives

1:57 along I 10. Done a lot of long drives alone, a lot of thinking. And that was

2:00 alone, a lot of thinking. And that was

2:00 alone, a lot of thinking. And that was what driving home was partially all

2:02 what driving home was partially all

2:02 what driving home was partially all about. Not just forcing myself to work

2:04 about. Not just forcing myself to work

2:04 about. Not just forcing myself to work and forcing myself to kind of be out of

2:06 and forcing myself to kind of be out of

2:06 and forcing myself to kind of be out of my comfort zone a little, meaning not at

2:08 my comfort zone a little, meaning not at

2:08 my comfort zone a little, meaning not at home, but also forced me to be alone

2:11 home, but also forced me to be alone

2:11 home, but also forced me to be alone with myself, forced me to think, forced

2:14 with myself, forced me to think, forced

2:14 with myself, forced me to think, forced me to do some processing without any

2:17 me to do some processing without any

2:17 me to do some processing without any distractions, which I've done a lot of,

2:21 distractions, which I've done a lot of,

2:22 distractions, which I've done a lot of, you know, got the tears under control

2:23 you know, got the tears under control

2:23 you know, got the tears under control for the most part. Then you reach weird

2:26 for the most part. Then you reach weird

2:26 for the most part. Then you reach weird stages of grief where you're like angry

2:28 stages of grief where you're like angry

2:28 stages of grief where you're like angry and grumpy, and I knew that was coming.

2:30 and grumpy, and I knew that was coming.

2:30 and grumpy, and I knew that was coming. And so it's better to be kind of alone

2:32 And so it's better to be kind of alone

2:32 And so it's better to be kind of alone in the car, isolate myself from, I don't

2:36 in the car, isolate myself from, I don't

2:36 in the car, isolate myself from, I don't know, being cranky with anybody or short

2:39 know, being cranky with anybody or short

2:39 know, being cranky with anybody or short with anybody or irritated

2:41 with anybody or irritated

2:41 with anybody or irritated in anybody's vicinity kind of thing. So

2:44 in anybody's vicinity kind of thing. So

2:44 in anybody's vicinity kind of thing. So that's been good. But the last couple of

2:46 that's been good. But the last couple of

2:46 that's been good. But the last couple of days, as I've gotten closer and closer

2:48 days, as I've gotten closer and closer

2:48 days, as I've gotten closer and closer to home,

2:50 to home,

2:50 to home, I've really started to think about,

2:51 I've really started to think about,

2:51 I've really started to think about, okay, well, what comes next?

2:54 okay, well, what comes next?

2:54 okay, well, what comes next? How do you turn that page? Obviously,

2:56 How do you turn that page? Obviously,

2:56 How do you turn that page? Obviously, grief will continue and come up at you

2:59 grief will continue and come up at you

2:59 grief will continue and come up at you unexpectedly

3:02 unexpectedly

3:02 unexpectedly like a flood, right? Like you'll be

3:03 like a flood, right? Like you'll be

3:03 like a flood, right? Like you'll be having a great day. I had a great day

3:05 having a great day. I had a great day

3:05 having a great day. I had a great day with my friend Oscar the other day in

3:06 with my friend Oscar the other day in

3:06 with my friend Oscar the other day in San Antonio or going to this weird snake

3:09 San Antonio or going to this weird snake

3:09 San Antonio or going to this weird snake farm and laughing and joking around and

3:12 farm and laughing and joking around and

3:12 farm and laughing and joking around and then the next day I get in the car and

3:13 then the next day I get in the car and

3:13 then the next day I get in the car and it's like wells of

3:15 it's like wells of

3:16 it's like wells of sad feelings and regrets and remorse and

3:18 sad feelings and regrets and remorse and

3:18 sad feelings and regrets and remorse and all the grief and the things floating up

3:20 all the grief and the things floating up

3:20 all the grief and the things floating up and then getting choked up again. It's

3:23 and then getting choked up again. It's

3:23 and then getting choked up again. It's like a I thought I was past this kind of

3:25 like a I thought I was past this kind of

3:25 like a I thought I was past this kind of thing.

3:26 thing.

3:26 thing. I'm sure that will continue to happen

3:27 I'm sure that will continue to happen

3:27 I'm sure that will continue to happen over time. I mean, I lost my grandpa

3:30 over time. I mean, I lost my grandpa

3:30 over time. I mean, I lost my grandpa when I was six or seven years old and

3:34 when I was six or seven years old and

3:34 when I was six or seven years old and whenever I drive through their

3:35 whenever I drive through their

3:35 whenever I drive through their neighborhood right across the street

3:36 neighborhood right across the street

3:36 neighborhood right across the street from Disneyland and start talking about

3:39 from Disneyland and start talking about

3:39 from Disneyland and start talking about it if Alli's in the car or something

3:40 it if Alli's in the car or something

3:40 it if Alli's in the car or something like that, I'll get still choked up to

3:44 like that, I'll get still choked up to

3:44 like that, I'll get still choked up to this day, you know, 35 years later or

3:48 this day, you know, 35 years later or

3:48 this day, you know, 35 years later or whatever. So, I know I'll never forget

3:49 whatever. So, I know I'll never forget

3:49 whatever. So, I know I'll never forget my friend Adam. I know there are going

3:51 my friend Adam. I know there are going

3:51 my friend Adam. I know there are going to be times even years from now where

3:54 to be times even years from now where

3:54 to be times even years from now where I'm going to feel sad. I'm going to miss

3:56 I'm going to feel sad. I'm going to miss

3:56 I'm going to feel sad. I'm going to miss him. I miss him right now quite a lot.

3:59 him. I miss him right now quite a lot.

3:59 him. I miss him right now quite a lot. Adam new courts site here very well. And

4:02 Adam new courts site here very well. And

4:02 Adam new courts site here very well. And in fact, it's been in this very same

4:04 in fact, it's been in this very same

4:04 in fact, it's been in this very same cemetery, I'm sure, because there's a

4:06 cemetery, I'm sure, because there's a

4:06 cemetery, I'm sure, because there's a famous and kind of quirky monument just

4:09 famous and kind of quirky monument just

4:09 famous and kind of quirky monument just over back that way. Some ladies are

4:11 over back that way. Some ladies are

4:11 over back that way. Some ladies are checking out. We'll look at it in a

4:12 checking out. We'll look at it in a

4:12 checking out. We'll look at it in a minute.

4:14 minute.

4:14 minute. But the last couple days have been

4:15 But the last couple days have been

4:15 But the last couple days have been getting heavy because as I realize I'm

4:18 getting heavy because as I realize I'm

4:18 getting heavy because as I realize I'm getting closer to home and

4:21 getting closer to home and

4:22 getting closer to home and sort of I've been mentally preparing

4:23 sort of I've been mentally preparing

4:23 sort of I've been mentally preparing myself to kind of turn the page or what

4:25 myself to kind of turn the page or what

4:25 myself to kind of turn the page or what comes next.

4:27 comes next.

4:27 comes next. You know, you feel all these strange

4:29 You know, you feel all these strange

4:29 You know, you feel all these strange feelings of guilt like, oh, when I turn

4:30 feelings of guilt like, oh, when I turn

4:30 feelings of guilt like, oh, when I turn the page and I go home and I have to

4:32 the page and I go home and I have to

4:32 the page and I go home and I have to deal with bills and normal things and

4:34 deal with bills and normal things and

4:34 deal with bills and normal things and getting my kid who just got his driver's

4:35 getting my kid who just got his driver's

4:36 getting my kid who just got his driver's license, car insurance, and all the

4:38 license, car insurance, and all the

4:38 license, car insurance, and all the other things. Look at this old drill bit

4:40 other things. Look at this old drill bit

4:40 other things. Look at this old drill bit right here. And then strangely part of

4:42 right here. And then strangely part of

4:42 right here. And then strangely part of you feels like,

4:45 you feels like,

4:45 you feels like, you know, if you start moving on, is

4:46 you know, if you start moving on, is

4:46 you know, if you start moving on, is that a betrayal of your friend? All

4:48 that a betrayal of your friend? All

4:48 that a betrayal of your friend? All these just just different feelings that

4:49 these just just different feelings that

4:49 these just just different feelings that pop up and just kind of working through

4:51 pop up and just kind of working through

4:51 pop up and just kind of working through them alone in the car has been good. But

4:54 them alone in the car has been good. But

4:54 them alone in the car has been good. But yesterday, I had a weird thing where I

4:56 yesterday, I had a weird thing where I

4:56 yesterday, I had a weird thing where I was in Tombstone, Arizona, and I was

4:57 was in Tombstone, Arizona, and I was

4:57 was in Tombstone, Arizona, and I was excited to get there. And once I got

4:58 excited to get there. And once I got

4:58 excited to get there. And once I got there, I was like, "Oh man, am I ready?

5:01 there, I was like, "Oh man, am I ready?

5:01 there, I was like, "Oh man, am I ready? Am I ready to go home?"

5:03 Am I ready to go home?"

5:03 Am I ready to go home?" That will end the vision quest,

5:07 That will end the vision quest,

5:07 That will end the vision quest, as I've called this trip, making my way

5:10 as I've called this trip, making my way

5:10 as I've called this trip, making my way westward and back towards home. The

5:13 westward and back towards home. The

5:13 westward and back towards home. The vision quest. What is the vision of life

5:16 vision quest. What is the vision of life

5:16 vision quest. What is the vision of life going forward? What does it look like?

5:18 going forward? What does it look like?

5:18 going forward? What does it look like? What does it feel like?

5:20 What does it feel like?

5:20 What does it feel like? What comes next? Adam and I were going

5:23 What comes next? Adam and I were going

5:23 What comes next? Adam and I were going to do a lot of stuff together this year.

5:24 to do a lot of stuff together this year.

5:24 to do a lot of stuff together this year. So, it's not just, oh, your sad feelings

5:26 So, it's not just, oh, your sad feelings

5:26 So, it's not just, oh, your sad feelings and processing that, but also like, man,

5:29 and processing that, but also like, man,

5:29 and processing that, but also like, man, that just scattered and destroyed a lot

5:31 that just scattered and destroyed a lot

5:31 that just scattered and destroyed a lot of my plans for this year. coming. What?

5:33 of my plans for this year. coming. What?

5:33 of my plans for this year. coming. What? What? What next?

5:36 What? What next?

5:36 What? What next? Then I thought as I was wandering the

5:39 Then I thought as I was wandering the

5:39 Then I thought as I was wandering the streets of Old Tombstone, Arizona

5:42 streets of Old Tombstone, Arizona

5:42 streets of Old Tombstone, Arizona in the video that I uploaded this

5:43 in the video that I uploaded this

5:43 in the video that I uploaded this morning,

5:45 morning,

5:45 morning, do I want to go home? Do I want to end

5:47 do I want to go home? Do I want to end

5:47 do I want to go home? Do I want to end the vision quest?

5:50 the vision quest?

5:50 the vision quest? Do I need a few more days?

5:56 Then I realized something as I got back

5:56 Then I realized something as I got back in the car, headed back towards Tucson

5:59 in the car, headed back towards Tucson

5:59 in the car, headed back towards Tucson and then west towards Phoenix where I

6:00 and then west towards Phoenix where I

6:00 and then west towards Phoenix where I spent the night.

6:03 spent the night.

6:03 spent the night. I realize the vision quest

6:06 I realize the vision quest

6:06 I realize the vision quest may end when I get home

6:10 may end when I get home

6:10 may end when I get home in that, you know, you're home. It's

6:12 in that, you know, you're home. It's

6:12 in that, you know, you're home. It's time to just deal with the dayto-day.

6:14 time to just deal with the dayto-day.

6:14 time to just deal with the dayto-day. Time to start living again. You know,

6:16 Time to start living again. You know,

6:16 Time to start living again. You know, going to see your mom and hanging out

6:18 going to see your mom and hanging out

6:18 going to see your mom and hanging out with your son, spending time with the

6:20 with your son, spending time with the

6:20 with your son, spending time with the wife, do all the normal things. The

6:22 wife, do all the normal things. The

6:22 wife, do all the normal things. The walkabout gets paused until the next

6:25 walkabout gets paused until the next

6:25 walkabout gets paused until the next road trip or the next series of

6:26 road trip or the next series of

6:26 road trip or the next series of adventures. But this particular

6:29 adventures. But this particular

6:29 adventures. But this particular time of reflection, processing,

6:31 time of reflection, processing,

6:31 time of reflection, processing, grieving,

6:33 grieving,

6:33 grieving, this will be over. Do I want that to

6:35 this will be over. Do I want that to

6:35 this will be over. Do I want that to end?

6:38 end?

6:38 end? But the realization was yes, this may

6:41 But the realization was yes, this may

6:41 But the realization was yes, this may end. This vision quest, this particular

6:44 end. This vision quest, this particular

6:44 end. This vision quest, this particular period of grieving and mourning is going

6:47 period of grieving and mourning is going

6:47 period of grieving and mourning is going to end.

6:49 to end.

6:49 to end. But there is another and greater quest I

6:51 But there is another and greater quest I

6:51 But there is another and greater quest I began many years ago

6:54 began many years ago

6:54 began many years ago that must be continued and continued

6:57 that must be continued and continued

6:57 that must be continued and continued with new

6:59 with new

6:59 with new vigor almost a rededication in a way.

7:02 vigor almost a rededication in a way.

7:02 vigor almost a rededication in a way. And that quest may be familiar to some

7:05 And that quest may be familiar to some

7:05 And that quest may be familiar to some of you is the quest for positivity. And

7:09 of you is the quest for positivity. And

7:09 of you is the quest for positivity. And bear with me. This is a bit of a

7:10 bear with me. This is a bit of a

7:10 bear with me. This is a bit of a personal video and rant and walk around

7:14 personal video and rant and walk around

7:14 personal video and rant and walk around a dry and dusty cemetery in a town, by

7:16 a dry and dusty cemetery in a town, by

7:16 a dry and dusty cemetery in a town, by the way, that has seemingly more rock

7:18 the way, that has seemingly more rock

7:18 the way, that has seemingly more rock shops than people along the main

7:21 shops than people along the main

7:21 shops than people along the main highway. Drag. It's kind of a strange

7:24 highway. Drag. It's kind of a strange

7:24 highway. Drag. It's kind of a strange Mad Max place for rors and wanderers and

7:27 Mad Max place for rors and wanderers and

7:27 Mad Max place for rors and wanderers and snowbirds and drifters and people who

7:29 snowbirds and drifters and people who

7:29 snowbirds and drifters and people who come here and live in RVs and campers

7:32 come here and live in RVs and campers

7:32 come here and live in RVs and campers temporarily, sometimes permanently. Some

7:34 temporarily, sometimes permanently. Some

7:34 temporarily, sometimes permanently. Some people come here temporarily and then

7:37 people come here temporarily and then

7:37 people come here temporarily and then end up staying in this town forever.

7:38 end up staying in this town forever.

7:38 end up staying in this town forever. Many years ago, I was very miserable.

7:41 Many years ago, I was very miserable.

7:41 Many years ago, I was very miserable. I suffered a lot with anxiety and

7:43 I suffered a lot with anxiety and

7:44 I suffered a lot with anxiety and depression and tried everything. Therapy

7:46 depression and tried everything. Therapy

7:46 depression and tried everything. Therapy and

7:48 and

7:48 and going to psychiatrist, tried all kinds

7:49 going to psychiatrist, tried all kinds

7:49 going to psychiatrist, tried all kinds of different medications. Nothing was

7:51 of different medications. Nothing was

7:51 of different medications. Nothing was really

7:53 really

7:53 really better. And then I started to

7:56 better. And then I started to

7:56 better. And then I started to really look inwardly at myself and who I

7:59 really look inwardly at myself and who I

7:59 really look inwardly at myself and who I was and how I'd ended up there. I had

8:01 was and how I'd ended up there. I had

8:01 was and how I'd ended up there. I had spent many years in a punk rock band. I

8:04 spent many years in a punk rock band. I

8:04 spent many years in a punk rock band. I had spent many years married to somebody

8:07 had spent many years married to somebody

8:07 had spent many years married to somebody who didn't really like me all that much.

8:11 who didn't really like me all that much.

8:11 who didn't really like me all that much. I had spent a lot of time around a lot

8:12 I had spent a lot of time around a lot

8:12 I had spent a lot of time around a lot of cynical people. There's a lot of

8:15 of cynical people. There's a lot of

8:15 of cynical people. There's a lot of posing or there was in that world back

8:17 posing or there was in that world back

8:18 posing or there was in that world back then a lot of cynicism and sarcasm and

8:20 then a lot of cynicism and sarcasm and

8:20 then a lot of cynicism and sarcasm and who can be the most serious or the most

8:23 who can be the most serious or the most

8:23 who can be the most serious or the most outrage or the most angry.

8:27 outrage or the most angry.

8:27 outrage or the most angry. And I realized I myself had just

8:29 And I realized I myself had just

8:29 And I realized I myself had just changed. Like who I

8:32 changed. Like who I

8:32 changed. Like who I was as a kid on the inside or who I

8:34 was as a kid on the inside or who I

8:34 was as a kid on the inside or who I wanted to be was nowhere near who I had

8:37 wanted to be was nowhere near who I had

8:37 wanted to be was nowhere near who I had ended up being for the most part. I was

8:40 ended up being for the most part. I was

8:40 ended up being for the most part. I was no tough, hardcore,

8:43 no tough, hardcore,

8:43 no tough, hardcore, gnarly old punk rock person inside.

8:47 gnarly old punk rock person inside.

8:47 gnarly old punk rock person inside. And yet I just

8:49 And yet I just

8:49 And yet I just had surrounded myself with a lot of

8:52 had surrounded myself with a lot of

8:52 had surrounded myself with a lot of snark and a lot of gnarliness. I could

8:54 snark and a lot of gnarliness. I could

8:54 snark and a lot of gnarliness. I could blame it on other people say, "Oh, the

8:55 blame it on other people say, "Oh, the

8:55 blame it on other people say, "Oh, the people around me were like that." And

8:56 people around me were like that." And

8:56 people around me were like that." And some of them were.

8:58 some of them were.

8:58 some of them were. >> But I found that I myself was so cynical

9:01 >> But I found that I myself was so cynical

9:01 >> But I found that I myself was so cynical and so pessimistic, so depressed. And

9:03 and so pessimistic, so depressed. And

9:03 and so pessimistic, so depressed. And that's my thing is that rather than

9:05 that's my thing is that rather than

9:05 that's my thing is that rather than getting angry at other people, I turn it

9:06 getting angry at other people, I turn it

9:06 getting angry at other people, I turn it inwards and I just taken it out of

9:08 inwards and I just taken it out of

9:08 inwards and I just taken it out of myself and reached this point where I

9:10 myself and reached this point where I

9:10 myself and reached this point where I hated myself so much that I was

9:14 hated myself so much that I was

9:14 hated myself so much that I was constantly miserable and nothing could

9:15 constantly miserable and nothing could

9:15 constantly miserable and nothing could change that because I could not get away

9:19 change that because I could not get away

9:19 change that because I could not get away from myself obviously. And if uh you

9:22 from myself obviously. And if uh you

9:22 from myself obviously. And if uh you hate yourself,

9:24 hate yourself,

9:24 hate yourself, well, unless you can afford to get

9:26 well, unless you can afford to get

9:26 well, unless you can afford to get another apartment, you're gonna have to

9:28 another apartment, you're gonna have to

9:28 another apartment, you're gonna have to live with yourself. You know what I

9:29 live with yourself. You know what I

9:29 live with yourself. You know what I mean? So then as my marriage was falling

9:32 mean? So then as my marriage was falling

9:32 mean? So then as my marriage was falling apart and things were falling apart

9:34 apart and things were falling apart

9:34 apart and things were falling apart around me with the band and were just

9:37 around me with the band and were just

9:37 around me with the band and were just getting worse and worse in my life

9:39 getting worse and worse in my life

9:39 getting worse and worse in my life circumstantially or situationally,

9:43 circumstantially or situationally,

9:43 circumstantially or situationally, I started thinking differently. I

9:45 I started thinking differently. I

9:45 I started thinking differently. I started thinking, well, who is it that I

9:47 started thinking, well, who is it that I

9:47 started thinking, well, who is it that I would like to be? because I'm a cynical,

9:50 would like to be? because I'm a cynical,

9:50 would like to be? because I'm a cynical, sad person with a lot of anxiety who

9:53 sad person with a lot of anxiety who

9:53 sad person with a lot of anxiety who does not like himself very much. Who is

9:55 does not like himself very much. Who is

9:55 does not like himself very much. Who is it that I would like to be? What kind of

9:57 it that I would like to be? What kind of

9:57 it that I would like to be? What kind of person would I be if I liked myself?

10:01 person would I be if I liked myself?

10:01 person would I be if I liked myself? And I thought of all those people that,

10:02 And I thought of all those people that,

10:02 And I thought of all those people that, you know, the kind of people that

10:05 you know, the kind of people that

10:05 you know, the kind of people that walk into a room and hype everybody else

10:08 walk into a room and hype everybody else

10:08 walk into a room and hype everybody else up, make everybody else happy. They're

10:10 up, make everybody else happy. They're

10:10 up, make everybody else happy. They're the life of the party, but not like in a

10:12 the life of the party, but not like in a

10:12 the life of the party, but not like in a cynical party kind of way, but in like a

10:16 cynical party kind of way, but in like a

10:16 cynical party kind of way, but in like a you just feel like happy when those

10:18 you just feel like happy when those

10:18 you just feel like happy when those people walk in. They're always

10:19 people walk in. They're always

10:19 people walk in. They're always encouraging, optimistic,

10:22 encouraging, optimistic,

10:22 encouraging, optimistic, looking at the bright side. When you're

10:24 looking at the bright side. When you're

10:24 looking at the bright side. When you're miserable and sad, they come in and go,

10:25 miserable and sad, they come in and go,

10:25 miserable and sad, they come in and go, "Ah, man." But come on, this and this is

10:27 "Ah, man." But come on, this and this is

10:27 "Ah, man." But come on, this and this is going to happen. We can do it. D

10:31 going to happen. We can do it. D

10:31 going to happen. We can do it. D I thought, gosh, that's the kind of

10:33 I thought, gosh, that's the kind of

10:33 I thought, gosh, that's the kind of person I wanted to be.

10:35 person I wanted to be.

10:35 person I wanted to be. >> And I was so far from that. The kind of

10:37 >> And I was so far from that. The kind of

10:37 >> And I was so far from that. The kind of person that could see every silver

10:39 person that could see every silver

10:39 person that could see every silver lining. The kind of person that could

10:42 lining. The kind of person that could

10:42 lining. The kind of person that could look on the bright side every day. And

10:44 look on the bright side every day. And

10:44 look on the bright side every day. And the kind of person that focuses on what

10:45 the kind of person that focuses on what

10:45 the kind of person that focuses on what they like about people or what they like

10:47 they like about people or what they like

10:47 they like about people or what they like about things rather than focusing on why

10:49 about things rather than focusing on why

10:49 about things rather than focusing on why everything's wrong or what they don't

10:51 everything's wrong or what they don't

10:51 everything's wrong or what they don't like about people or what wrongs people

10:54 like about people or what wrongs people

10:54 like about people or what wrongs people did to them. I've just realized like

10:57 did to them. I've just realized like

10:57 did to them. I've just realized like maybe I'm not naturally that person,

10:59 maybe I'm not naturally that person,

10:59 maybe I'm not naturally that person, right? I am full of anxiety and stress.

11:03 right? I am full of anxiety and stress.

11:03 right? I am full of anxiety and stress. Everything seems to stress me out and

11:04 Everything seems to stress me out and

11:04 Everything seems to stress me out and worry me. I'm always looking at the

11:06 worry me. I'm always looking at the

11:06 worry me. I'm always looking at the negative side and the worst that could

11:08 negative side and the worst that could

11:08 negative side and the worst that could happen.

11:10 happen.

11:10 happen. But I realized like I wanted

11:13 But I realized like I wanted

11:13 But I realized like I wanted to be that other person, you know. And

11:15 to be that other person, you know. And

11:15 to be that other person, you know. And then I thought a lot about myself as a

11:16 then I thought a lot about myself as a

11:16 then I thought a lot about myself as a kid. As a kid, I was very hyper, very

11:19 kid. As a kid, I was very hyper, very

11:19 kid. As a kid, I was very hyper, very crazy, hyper ADHD kid. I was in like the

11:23 crazy, hyper ADHD kid. I was in like the

11:23 crazy, hyper ADHD kid. I was in like the gate programs and stuff like that cuz I

11:25 gate programs and stuff like that cuz I

11:25 gate programs and stuff like that cuz I guess I had a high IQ or something, but

11:27 guess I had a high IQ or something, but

11:27 guess I had a high IQ or something, but I was very hyper and squirly and could

11:29 I was very hyper and squirly and could

11:29 I was very hyper and squirly and could not focus. And people were constantly

11:31 not focus. And people were constantly

11:31 not focus. And people were constantly yelling at me, shoving me into walls and

11:33 yelling at me, shoving me into walls and

11:33 yelling at me, shoving me into walls and things, literally

11:36 things, literally

11:36 things, literally smacking me across the head. Calm down,

11:38 smacking me across the head. Calm down,

11:38 smacking me across the head. Calm down, sit still. And not just adults, like

11:40 sit still. And not just adults, like

11:40 sit still. And not just adults, like pretty much all the kids I grew up with

11:43 pretty much all the kids I grew up with

11:43 pretty much all the kids I grew up with despised me. Had a hard time with me. So

11:45 despised me. Had a hard time with me. So

11:45 despised me. Had a hard time with me. So I had a lot of energy. You ever had that

11:48 I had a lot of energy. You ever had that

11:48 I had a lot of energy. You ever had that hyper kid in school with you that you're

11:49 hyper kid in school with you that you're

11:49 hyper kid in school with you that you're just like, "Ugh, dude, why won't he shut

11:51 just like, "Ugh, dude, why won't he shut

11:51 just like, "Ugh, dude, why won't he shut up? Why won't you calm down? Just

11:53 up? Why won't you calm down? Just

11:53 up? Why won't you calm down? Just irritates you." That was me. But

12:02 also as a kid, remember I'm thinking

12:02 also as a kid, remember I'm thinking about this at a time when I was at the

12:03 about this at a time when I was at the

12:03 about this at a time when I was at the hardest, most miserable, most stressed

12:05 hardest, most miserable, most stressed

12:05 hardest, most miserable, most stressed out, most negative version of myself.

12:09 out, most negative version of myself.

12:09 out, most negative version of myself. I would think back to being a kid and

12:11 I would think back to being a kid and

12:11 I would think back to being a kid and being like even though you know people

12:13 being like even though you know people

12:13 being like even though you know people misunderstood me or treated me bad or

12:15 misunderstood me or treated me bad or

12:15 misunderstood me or treated me bad or whatever, I had a very soft heart then,

12:19 whatever, I had a very soft heart then,

12:19 whatever, I had a very soft heart then, you know, I would always rebound right

12:22 you know, I would always rebound right

12:22 you know, I would always rebound right away with some creative idea or idea for

12:28 away with some creative idea or idea for

12:28 away with some creative idea or idea for going and playing or if nobody wanted to

12:30 going and playing or if nobody wanted to

12:30 going and playing or if nobody wanted to play with me, you know, I had my toys

12:32 play with me, you know, I had my toys

12:32 play with me, you know, I had my toys and art supplies and I would find some

12:35 and art supplies and I would find some

12:35 and art supplies and I would find some way to express myself that at least made

12:38 way to express myself that at least made

12:38 way to express myself that at least made me happy and positive. positive or try

12:40 me happy and positive. positive or try

12:40 me happy and positive. positive or try to entertain other people, make other

12:42 to entertain other people, make other

12:42 to entertain other people, make other people laugh. I would always try to find

12:44 people laugh. I would always try to find

12:44 people laugh. I would always try to find the kid with even fewer friends than me

12:46 the kid with even fewer friends than me

12:46 the kid with even fewer friends than me who was having an even harder time than

12:47 who was having an even harder time than

12:48 who was having an even harder time than me, make friends with that kid.

12:51 me, make friends with that kid.

12:51 me, make friends with that kid. I thought, gosh, I've come so far

12:56 I thought, gosh, I've come so far

12:56 I thought, gosh, I've come so far from that. You know, as a kid, I loved

12:59 from that. You know, as a kid, I loved

12:59 from that. You know, as a kid, I loved Disneyland. I loved the magic of all

13:01 Disneyland. I loved the magic of all

13:01 Disneyland. I loved the magic of all that stuff. I believed

13:03 that stuff. I believed

13:03 that stuff. I believed in that magic. I loved going on road

13:05 in that magic. I loved going on road

13:05 in that magic. I loved going on road trips with my parents. We go to Gold

13:07 trips with my parents. We go to Gold

13:07 trips with my parents. We go to Gold Country or something like that. I loved

13:09 Country or something like that. I loved

13:09 Country or something like that. I loved imagining, you know, what life would be

13:11 imagining, you know, what life would be

13:11 imagining, you know, what life would be like back in the day. I loved

13:14 like back in the day. I loved

13:14 like back in the day. I loved imagination, period. Any kind of piece

13:17 imagination, period. Any kind of piece

13:17 imagination, period. Any kind of piece of art or drawing or comic book or

13:25 I don't know, creative thing, weirdly

13:25 I don't know, creative thing, weirdly painted old van with a wizard on,

13:27 painted old van with a wizard on,

13:27 painted old van with a wizard on, anything would just get my imagination

13:29 anything would just get my imagination

13:29 anything would just get my imagination going. And I kind of lived a little bit

13:31 going. And I kind of lived a little bit

13:31 going. And I kind of lived a little bit in a dream world as a kid to a certain

13:33 in a dream world as a kid to a certain

13:33 in a dream world as a kid to a certain extent, but I like that dream world. You

13:35 extent, but I like that dream world. You

13:35 extent, but I like that dream world. You know, I was always focused on drawing

13:37 know, I was always focused on drawing

13:37 know, I was always focused on drawing and creating and making things. And one

13:38 and creating and making things. And one

13:38 and creating and making things. And one day I'm going to make something. I'm

13:39 day I'm going to make something. I'm

13:39 day I'm going to make something. I'm going to create something and somebody

13:41 going to create something and somebody

13:41 going to create something and somebody else will understand it and I'll connect

13:42 else will understand it and I'll connect

13:42 else will understand it and I'll connect with somebody else. Which was, I think,

13:45 with somebody else. Which was, I think,

13:45 with somebody else. Which was, I think, how I got into music and into bands,

13:49 how I got into music and into bands,

13:49 how I got into music and into bands, right? I wanted to create something. I

13:51 right? I wanted to create something. I

13:51 right? I wanted to create something. I wanted to put my feelings or express

13:53 wanted to put my feelings or express

13:53 wanted to put my feelings or express myself in some way, have other people

13:55 myself in some way, have other people

13:55 myself in some way, have other people maybe connect with it. Plus, it was the

13:58 maybe connect with it. Plus, it was the

13:58 maybe connect with it. Plus, it was the only way at that time being in like an

14:00 only way at that time being in like an

14:00 only way at that time being in like an indie band or a punk rock band or some

14:01 indie band or a punk rock band or some

14:01 indie band or a punk rock band or some kind of subcultury type of band where

14:03 kind of subcultury type of band where

14:03 kind of subcultury type of band where you could get out and travel, see the

14:05 you could get out and travel, see the

14:05 you could get out and travel, see the world a little bit. But more than that,

14:07 world a little bit. But more than that,

14:07 world a little bit. But more than that, you got to make your own t-shirts. You

14:08 you got to make your own t-shirts. You

14:08 you got to make your own t-shirts. You could make your own albums. You could

14:10 could make your own albums. You could

14:10 could make your own albums. You could make artwork for them. You could express

14:14 make artwork for them. You could express

14:14 make artwork for them. You could express yourself and be creative in a way that

14:16 yourself and be creative in a way that

14:16 yourself and be creative in a way that you kind of couldn't in any other part

14:18 you kind of couldn't in any other part

14:18 you kind of couldn't in any other part of normal life when I was growing up in

14:20 of normal life when I was growing up in

14:20 of normal life when I was growing up in the 80s or the '9s or something like

14:22 the 80s or the '9s or something like

14:22 the 80s or the '9s or something like that. It was just a pathway to something

14:25 that. It was just a pathway to something

14:25 that. It was just a pathway to something creative, something positive,

14:27 creative, something positive,

14:28 creative, something positive, putting something out into the world,

14:30 putting something out into the world,

14:30 putting something out into the world, expressing yourself. But that had become

14:33 expressing yourself. But that had become

14:33 expressing yourself. But that had become so cynical and so negative as I had

14:36 so cynical and so negative as I had

14:36 so cynical and so negative as I had kind of surrounded myself with the wrong

14:38 kind of surrounded myself with the wrong

14:38 kind of surrounded myself with the wrong kind of people, tried to impress the

14:40 kind of people, tried to impress the

14:40 kind of people, tried to impress the wrong kind of people, married the wrong

14:42 wrong kind of people, married the wrong

14:42 wrong kind of people, married the wrong kind of people, I turned myself into the

14:45 kind of people, I turned myself into the

14:45 kind of people, I turned myself into the wrong kind of people.

14:48 wrong kind of people.

14:48 wrong kind of people. So I came up with this thing,

14:51 So I came up with this thing,

14:51 So I came up with this thing, my fivepoint plan of positivity

14:53 my fivepoint plan of positivity

14:54 my fivepoint plan of positivity originally, you know, that I wanted to

14:57 originally, you know, that I wanted to

14:57 originally, you know, that I wanted to try to look at the bright side of

14:58 try to look at the bright side of

14:58 try to look at the bright side of things. I s sat there and thought, what

15:00 things. I s sat there and thought, what

15:00 things. I s sat there and thought, what does it take to go from the most

15:02 does it take to go from the most

15:02 does it take to go from the most negative kind of person, you know, to

15:03 negative kind of person, you know, to

15:03 negative kind of person, you know, to the most co, you know, positive kind of

15:05 the most co, you know, positive kind of

15:05 the most co, you know, positive kind of person that, you know, and I and I kind

15:08 person that, you know, and I and I kind

15:08 person that, you know, and I and I kind of sketched out a little bit of a plan.

15:09 of sketched out a little bit of a plan.

15:09 of sketched out a little bit of a plan. I can't remember what the five points

15:11 I can't remember what the five points

15:11 I can't remember what the five points were now, you know, sort of a turn

15:14 were now, you know, sort of a turn

15:14 were now, you know, sort of a turn lemons into lemonade kind of thing. and

15:16 lemons into lemonade kind of thing. and

15:16 lemons into lemonade kind of thing. and you know turn anger or frustration or

15:18 you know turn anger or frustration or

15:18 you know turn anger or frustration or anxiety into work energy and create

15:22 anxiety into work energy and create

15:22 anxiety into work energy and create things instead of um you know wallowing

15:25 things instead of um you know wallowing

15:25 things instead of um you know wallowing in it. I know that was one big part of

15:28 in it. I know that was one big part of

15:28 in it. I know that was one big part of it and definitely to start creating

15:30 it and definitely to start creating

15:30 it and definitely to start creating things again even if it's just stupid

15:32 things again even if it's just stupid

15:32 things again even if it's just stupid drawings or even if it's things that

15:33 drawings or even if it's things that

15:33 drawings or even if it's things that nobody cares about or you don't have any

15:35 nobody cares about or you don't have any

15:35 nobody cares about or you don't have any partners in like the band world and even

15:38 partners in like the band world and even

15:38 partners in like the band world and even if there's nobody around to look at it

15:40 if there's nobody around to look at it

15:40 if there's nobody around to look at it or appreciate it just to create things

15:41 or appreciate it just to create things

15:41 or appreciate it just to create things for your own soul. That was a big part

15:43 for your own soul. That was a big part

15:43 for your own soul. That was a big part of it.

15:46 of it.

15:46 of it. And I had kind of like started to do

15:47 And I had kind of like started to do

15:47 And I had kind of like started to do that.

15:49 that.

15:49 that. Starting random land was a part of that

15:52 Starting random land was a part of that

15:52 Starting random land was a part of that and some other things I had tried to

15:53 and some other things I had tried to

15:53 and some other things I had tried to start around the same time.

15:56 start around the same time.

15:56 start around the same time. Started painting in doing different

15:57 Started painting in doing different

15:57 Started painting in doing different stuff.

15:59 stuff.

15:59 stuff. I had kind of set out on that road and

16:01 I had kind of set out on that road and

16:01 I had kind of set out on that road and started making random land videos.

16:04 started making random land videos.

16:04 started making random land videos. And I think I had even maybe begun to do

16:06 And I think I had even maybe begun to do

16:06 And I think I had even maybe begun to do the sometimes vlog. They're sort of

16:08 the sometimes vlog. They're sort of

16:08 the sometimes vlog. They're sort of combined now, but originally there were

16:10 combined now, but originally there were

16:10 combined now, but originally there were unedited vlogs with the phone that I

16:12 unedited vlogs with the phone that I

16:12 unedited vlogs with the phone that I would do and then the random land was

16:13 would do and then the random land was

16:13 would do and then the random land was the separate like edited show about kind

16:15 the separate like edited show about kind

16:15 the separate like edited show about kind of one topic at a time.

16:19 of one topic at a time.

16:19 of one topic at a time. I know this is a very long story, but

16:20 I know this is a very long story, but

16:20 I know this is a very long story, but bear with me. And then finally, after

16:22 bear with me. And then finally, after

16:22 bear with me. And then finally, after years of hinting and outright saying,

16:24 years of hinting and outright saying,

16:24 years of hinting and outright saying, but I'm thinking, ah, she didn't mean

16:26 but I'm thinking, ah, she didn't mean

16:26 but I'm thinking, ah, she didn't mean it. My exh

16:30 it. My exh

16:30 it. My exh told me she was done. She was done with

16:31 told me she was done. She was done with

16:32 told me she was done. She was done with me. And that was an absolutely

16:33 me. And that was an absolutely

16:33 me. And that was an absolutely devastating moment in my life. So, I had

16:36 devastating moment in my life. So, I had

16:36 devastating moment in my life. So, I had been with that person since we were 16

16:37 been with that person since we were 16

16:37 been with that person since we were 16 years old and now I'm in my 30s. We've

16:40 years old and now I'm in my 30s. We've

16:40 years old and now I'm in my 30s. We've got a young son.

16:42 got a young son.

16:42 got a young son. I had just quit my band thinking, well,

16:44 I had just quit my band thinking, well,

16:44 I had just quit my band thinking, well, maybe that'll help and I'll save my

16:46 maybe that'll help and I'll save my

16:46 maybe that'll help and I'll save my family and that'll help save my sanity a

16:47 family and that'll help save my sanity a

16:47 family and that'll help save my sanity a little bit. And so, I had basically

16:50 little bit. And so, I had basically

16:50 little bit. And so, I had basically completely

16:53 completely

16:53 completely destroyed any sense of identity I had or

16:55 destroyed any sense of identity I had or

16:55 destroyed any sense of identity I had or community I had. That was gone. I had

16:57 community I had. That was gone. I had

16:57 community I had. That was gone. I had given that up for this family that now

17:00 given that up for this family that now

17:00 given that up for this family that now exploded. The only plank left under my

17:03 exploded. The only plank left under my

17:03 exploded. The only plank left under my feet just crumbled underneath me. So, as

17:05 feet just crumbled underneath me. So, as

17:05 feet just crumbled underneath me. So, as you can imagine, it was absolutely

17:06 you can imagine, it was absolutely

17:06 you can imagine, it was absolutely devastating. I was completely lost. Had

17:08 devastating. I was completely lost. Had

17:08 devastating. I was completely lost. Had no idea what to do. I had no job. I had

17:10 no idea what to do. I had no job. I had

17:10 no idea what to do. I had no job. I had was very sick. I had just been

17:13 was very sick. I had just been

17:13 was very sick. I had just been diagnosed, I think, with celiac disease.

17:15 diagnosed, I think, with celiac disease.

17:15 diagnosed, I think, with celiac disease. So, I had just figured out what had been

17:16 So, I had just figured out what had been

17:16 So, I had just figured out what had been wrong with me for years and years that

17:18 wrong with me for years and years that

17:18 wrong with me for years and years that was making me so ill that I couldn't

17:19 was making me so ill that I couldn't

17:20 was making me so ill that I couldn't hold a normal job or do anything normal

17:22 hold a normal job or do anything normal

17:22 hold a normal job or do anything normal like that or even barely get through the

17:24 like that or even barely get through the

17:24 like that or even barely get through the little bit of community college that I

17:25 little bit of community college that I

17:25 little bit of community college that I did. So, I was just literally

17:28 did. So, I was just literally

17:28 did. So, I was just literally devastated. Nowhere to go, nowhere to

17:29 devastated. Nowhere to go, nowhere to

17:29 devastated. Nowhere to go, nowhere to stay, nothing. She had the job, so I

17:31 stay, nothing. She had the job, so I

17:31 stay, nothing. She had the job, so I left her with the good car to get to and

17:33 left her with the good car to get to and

17:33 left her with the good car to get to and from work to take care of of the child.

17:36 from work to take care of of the child.

17:36 from work to take care of of the child. And I had to go to my mom and dad's

17:39 And I had to go to my mom and dad's

17:39 And I had to go to my mom and dad's house and sleep on the floor and then on

17:41 house and sleep on the floor and then on

17:41 house and sleep on the floor and then on an air mattress. And then eventually we

17:43 an air mattress. And then eventually we

17:43 an air mattress. And then eventually we did get a mattress, a regular mattress

17:45 did get a mattress, a regular mattress

17:45 did get a mattress, a regular mattress after a while. My dad actually helped

17:46 after a while. My dad actually helped

17:46 after a while. My dad actually helped build me a bed, but I'm getting ahead of

17:48 build me a bed, but I'm getting ahead of

17:48 build me a bed, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I went to sleep on the floor in

17:51 myself. I went to sleep on the floor in

17:52 myself. I went to sleep on the floor in the California equivalent of your

17:53 the California equivalent of your

17:53 the California equivalent of your parents' basement at 30 years old

17:58 parents' basement at 30 years old

17:58 parents' basement at 30 years old with just absolutely no life.

18:01 with just absolutely no life.

18:01 with just absolutely no life. And I just started the healing process,

18:03 And I just started the healing process,

18:03 And I just started the healing process, like the physical healing process. So I

18:05 like the physical healing process. So I

18:05 like the physical healing process. So I was still in no condition to go to work.

18:06 was still in no condition to go to work.

18:06 was still in no condition to go to work. I had no college education. I had no

18:08 I had no college education. I had no

18:08 I had no college education. I had no prospects. So what do you do? Do you go

18:09 prospects. So what do you do? Do you go

18:10 prospects. So what do you do? Do you go back to school? Do you go stock shelves

18:12 back to school? Do you go stock shelves

18:12 back to school? Do you go stock shelves somewhere? What do you do?

18:14 somewhere? What do you do?

18:14 somewhere? What do you do? I just started the video thing

18:16 I just started the video thing

18:16 I just started the video thing not too long before. Well, a couple

18:18 not too long before. Well, a couple

18:18 not too long before. Well, a couple years before I was making

18:23 years before I was making

18:23 years before I was making $100, $200 a month, maybe by then with

18:27 $100, $200 a month, maybe by then with

18:27 $100, $200 a month, maybe by then with some shirt sales and some things. So, I

18:29 some shirt sales and some things. So, I

18:29 some shirt sales and some things. So, I thought, well, I can feed myself at

18:31 thought, well, I can feed myself at

18:31 thought, well, I can feed myself at least if my parents will indulge me in

18:35 least if my parents will indulge me in

18:35 least if my parents will indulge me in something. And I went to them and I told

18:36 something. And I went to them and I told

18:36 something. And I went to them and I told them, look, look, I don't even know who

18:37 them, look, look, I don't even know who

18:37 them, look, look, I don't even know who I am right now. I was already going

18:39 I am right now. I was already going

18:39 I am right now. I was already going through that before this happened to me

18:41 through that before this happened to me

18:41 through that before this happened to me and now it's worse. I said, I just the

18:45 and now it's worse. I said, I just the

18:45 and now it's worse. I said, I just the only thing in my life where I'm able to

18:48 only thing in my life where I'm able to

18:48 only thing in my life where I'm able to make somebody else smile instead of cry

18:51 make somebody else smile instead of cry

18:51 make somebody else smile instead of cry or be annoyed or angry right now are

18:53 or be annoyed or angry right now are

18:53 or be annoyed or angry right now are these dumb videos that I'm doing. And

18:57 these dumb videos that I'm doing. And

18:57 these dumb videos that I'm doing. And it probably won't take this long, but

18:59 it probably won't take this long, but

18:59 it probably won't take this long, but I'd like your permission to just borrow

19:01 I'd like your permission to just borrow

19:01 I'd like your permission to just borrow this amount of floor space to sleep on

19:04 this amount of floor space to sleep on

19:04 this amount of floor space to sleep on for up to a year.

19:07 for up to a year.

19:07 for up to a year. I'm gonna sit here and make these videos

19:09 I'm gonna sit here and make these videos

19:09 I'm gonna sit here and make these videos to keep myself busy and from going

19:11 to keep myself busy and from going

19:11 to keep myself busy and from going insane and I'm going to need to figure

19:14 insane and I'm going to need to figure

19:14 insane and I'm going to need to figure out

19:17 out

19:17 out what comes next. Do I go to I have got

19:19 what comes next. Do I go to I have got

19:19 what comes next. Do I go to I have got to I have to physically heal in the

19:21 to I have to physically heal in the

19:21 to I have to physically heal in the first place, you know, my guts and

19:22 first place, you know, my guts and

19:22 first place, you know, my guts and everything so I could maybe potentially

19:24 everything so I could maybe potentially

19:24 everything so I could maybe potentially work in a normal place. That never

19:26 work in a normal place. That never

19:26 work in a normal place. That never happened, by the way, but I thought I

19:28 happened, by the way, but I thought I

19:28 happened, by the way, but I thought I thought maybe it would. I was hopeful.

19:31 thought maybe it would. I was hopeful.

19:31 thought maybe it would. I was hopeful. And uh so I just like a year to just

19:34 And uh so I just like a year to just

19:34 And uh so I just like a year to just suck at everything and just be here and

19:36 suck at everything and just be here and

19:36 suck at everything and just be here and just or up to a year so that I don't

19:38 just or up to a year so that I don't

19:38 just or up to a year so that I don't feel like pressure. And they were like,

19:40 feel like pressure. And they were like,

19:40 feel like pressure. And they were like, "Yeah, that's okay cuz I could feed

19:42 "Yeah, that's okay cuz I could feed

19:42 "Yeah, that's okay cuz I could feed myself. I could pay my own car

19:43 myself. I could pay my own car

19:43 myself. I could pay my own car insurance. You know, I could had gas,

19:45 insurance. You know, I could had gas,

19:45 insurance. You know, I could had gas, still had my annual pass to Disneyland.

19:47 still had my annual pass to Disneyland.

19:47 still had my annual pass to Disneyland. Had already been paid for for the year."

19:49 Had already been paid for for the year."

19:49 Had already been paid for for the year." So I was like, "Well,

19:51 So I was like, "Well,

19:51 So I was like, "Well, we'll figure it out from then." I guess

19:52 we'll figure it out from then." I guess

19:52 we'll figure it out from then." I guess it was the first vision quest. And it

19:55 it was the first vision quest. And it

19:55 it was the first vision quest. And it was so hard. There were so many days I

19:57 was so hard. There were so many days I

19:57 was so hard. There were so many days I was angry and bitter and lost and

19:59 was angry and bitter and lost and

20:00 was angry and bitter and lost and confused and in total despair and

20:02 confused and in total despair and

20:02 confused and in total despair and literally wanting to go sleep with these

20:05 literally wanting to go sleep with these

20:05 literally wanting to go sleep with these people and not wake up and horrible

20:09 people and not wake up and horrible

20:09 people and not wake up and horrible agonizing terrible moments of my life.

20:11 agonizing terrible moments of my life.

20:11 agonizing terrible moments of my life. And during that

20:14 And during that

20:14 And during that I decided I don't want to lay down and

20:17 I decided I don't want to lay down and

20:17 I decided I don't want to lay down and die. And I also don't want to let this

20:20 die. And I also don't want to let this

20:20 die. And I also don't want to let this make me more bitter and more negative

20:22 make me more bitter and more negative

20:22 make me more bitter and more negative and hate myself even more. I have got to

20:26 and hate myself even more. I have got to

20:26 and hate myself even more. I have got to try to rise up out of this if in no

20:30 try to rise up out of this if in no

20:30 try to rise up out of this if in no other way than at least emotionally and

20:33 other way than at least emotionally and

20:33 other way than at least emotionally and then figure out what to do with the rest

20:35 then figure out what to do with the rest

20:35 then figure out what to do with the rest of my life. And so I embarked on a quest

20:38 of my life. And so I embarked on a quest

20:38 of my life. And so I embarked on a quest and that was the quest for positivity. I

20:42 and that was the quest for positivity. I

20:42 and that was the quest for positivity. I don't know why I feel like crying now as

20:43 don't know why I feel like crying now as

20:43 don't know why I feel like crying now as I'm saying this.

20:50 The foundation of which is the idea that

20:50 The foundation of which is the idea that you cannot always control your

20:51 you cannot always control your

20:51 you cannot always control your circumstances. Or, you know, maybe you

20:53 circumstances. Or, you know, maybe you

20:53 circumstances. Or, you know, maybe you did control them and ended up in

20:54 did control them and ended up in

20:54 did control them and ended up in horrible circumstances. You can't just

20:56 horrible circumstances. You can't just

20:56 horrible circumstances. You can't just change them like that. So, you can't

20:57 change them like that. So, you can't

20:57 change them like that. So, you can't control your circumstances, but you can

20:59 control your circumstances, but you can

20:59 control your circumstances, but you can control the way you react to them. You

21:02 control the way you react to them. You

21:02 control the way you react to them. You can't control the wind, but you can

21:03 can't control the wind, but you can

21:03 can't control the wind, but you can control where you put your sail or your

21:05 control where you put your sail or your

21:05 control where you put your sail or your rudder. Do you know what I'm saying?

21:07 rudder. Do you know what I'm saying?

21:07 rudder. Do you know what I'm saying? Another major thing was, it sounds so

21:09 Another major thing was, it sounds so

21:10 Another major thing was, it sounds so simple and so stupid and like some piece

21:11 simple and so stupid and like some piece

21:11 simple and so stupid and like some piece of Hobby Lobby wall art, but to count

21:14 of Hobby Lobby wall art, but to count

21:14 of Hobby Lobby wall art, but to count your blessings.

21:16 your blessings.

21:16 your blessings. to try to put myself every day in a

21:19 to try to put myself every day in a

21:19 to try to put myself every day in a grateful frame of mind. Be grateful for

21:22 grateful frame of mind. Be grateful for

21:22 grateful frame of mind. Be grateful for where I am and what I've been given to

21:25 where I am and what I've been given to

21:25 where I am and what I've been given to count my blessings instead of my

21:27 count my blessings instead of my

21:27 count my blessings instead of my miseries. And believe me, I had a lot

21:28 miseries. And believe me, I had a lot

21:28 miseries. And believe me, I had a lot more miseries than blessings at that

21:30 more miseries than blessings at that

21:30 more miseries than blessings at that time.

21:32 time.

21:32 time. But still, you know, every breath to

21:34 But still, you know, every breath to

21:34 But still, you know, every breath to think of every breath as a gift and

21:35 think of every breath as a gift and

21:36 think of every breath as a gift and every day as a gift

21:38 every day as a gift

21:38 every day as a gift and to try to see the silver lining or

21:40 and to try to see the silver lining or

21:40 and to try to see the silver lining or the positive side of things and then

21:44 the positive side of things and then

21:44 the positive side of things and then also to kind of follow the mission of

21:47 also to kind of follow the mission of

21:47 also to kind of follow the mission of that I had set out for in random land or

21:49 that I had set out for in random land or

21:49 that I had set out for in random land or the sometimes vlogs in the videos. We'll

21:50 the sometimes vlogs in the videos. We'll

21:50 the sometimes vlogs in the videos. We'll just say random land for shorthand.

21:54 just say random land for shorthand.

21:54 just say random land for shorthand. When we started that, we we thought it

21:56 When we started that, we we thought it

21:56 When we started that, we we thought it through very deeply. I bounced a lot of

21:58 through very deeply. I bounced a lot of

21:58 through very deeply. I bounced a lot of ideas off my friend Tyler Evans I was

22:00 ideas off my friend Tyler Evans I was

22:00 ideas off my friend Tyler Evans I was just talking about.

22:03 just talking about.

22:03 just talking about. One of the first things we decided was

22:05 One of the first things we decided was

22:05 One of the first things we decided was we will never talk about sex, politics

22:07 we will never talk about sex, politics

22:07 we will never talk about sex, politics or religion on the channel. We will

22:10 or religion on the channel. We will

22:10 or religion on the channel. We will keep things open and available to all

22:13 keep things open and available to all

22:13 keep things open and available to all and kind of try to uh leave that stuff

22:15 and kind of try to uh leave that stuff

22:15 and kind of try to uh leave that stuff to the side. That's the stuff that

22:16 to the side. That's the stuff that

22:16 to the side. That's the stuff that divides people at the Thanksgiving

22:18 divides people at the Thanksgiving

22:18 divides people at the Thanksgiving channel, right? Or at the Thanksgiving

22:19 channel, right? Or at the Thanksgiving

22:19 channel, right? Or at the Thanksgiving table, excuse me. And so on the YouTube

22:22 table, excuse me. And so on the YouTube

22:22 table, excuse me. And so on the YouTube channel, try to be big tent and focus on

22:26 channel, try to be big tent and focus on

22:26 channel, try to be big tent and focus on the things that we like. Focus on things

22:28 the things that we like. Focus on things

22:28 the things that we like. Focus on things that bring people together instead of

22:30 that bring people together instead of

22:30 that bring people together instead of bring people apart. Well, I adopted that

22:33 bring people apart. Well, I adopted that

22:33 bring people apart. Well, I adopted that philosophy into my life, too, as part of

22:36 philosophy into my life, too, as part of

22:36 philosophy into my life, too, as part of the quest for positivity that I wasn't

22:38 the quest for positivity that I wasn't

22:38 the quest for positivity that I wasn't going to focus on um the things that

22:41 going to focus on um the things that

22:41 going to focus on um the things that make me upset or the things that divide

22:43 make me upset or the things that divide

22:43 make me upset or the things that divide me from other people. I was going to

22:45 me from other people. I was going to

22:45 me from other people. I was going to think about things that bring people

22:47 think about things that bring people

22:47 think about things that bring people together

22:49 together

22:49 together and uh

22:51 and uh

22:51 and uh try and not hold grudges anymore, try

22:54 try and not hold grudges anymore, try

22:54 try and not hold grudges anymore, try and let things go, try and turn the

22:55 and let things go, try and turn the

22:55 and let things go, try and turn the other cheek and all that kind of stuff.

22:57 other cheek and all that kind of stuff.

22:57 other cheek and all that kind of stuff. And if I can use the expression here to

23:00 And if I can use the expression here to

23:00 And if I can use the expression here to try to

23:02 try to

23:02 try to get myself to a point where

23:05 get myself to a point where

23:05 get myself to a point where I could love people, it's like a love

23:09 I could love people, it's like a love

23:09 I could love people, it's like a love your neighbor as yourself kind of thing.

23:10 your neighbor as yourself kind of thing.

23:10 your neighbor as yourself kind of thing. You just you can love other people more

23:13 You just you can love other people more

23:13 You just you can love other people more and care about other people that are

23:15 and care about other people that are

23:15 and care about other people that are around you more um than you're sitting

23:17 around you more um than you're sitting

23:17 around you more um than you're sitting there wallowing in your own misery. And

23:20 there wallowing in your own misery. And

23:20 there wallowing in your own misery. And also to always turn depression, anxiety

23:22 also to always turn depression, anxiety

23:22 also to always turn depression, anxiety into action. I borrowed that from my

23:23 into action. I borrowed that from my

23:23 into action. I borrowed that from my original fivepoint plan.

23:26 original fivepoint plan.

23:26 original fivepoint plan. and to just just to work on what you

23:28 and to just just to work on what you

23:28 and to just just to work on what you could and if there's nothing else to

23:29 could and if there's nothing else to

23:29 could and if there's nothing else to work on, do something creative.

23:33 work on, do something creative.

23:33 work on, do something creative. Put good as much good or put as much

23:36 Put good as much good or put as much

23:36 Put good as much good or put as much creative energy out there as you can

23:38 creative energy out there as you can

23:38 creative energy out there as you can from the best part of you, the good

23:40 from the best part of you, the good

23:40 from the best part of you, the good place and not the negative place. So, if

23:42 place and not the negative place. So, if

23:42 place and not the negative place. So, if I was in a bad mood or I was feeling

23:44 I was in a bad mood or I was feeling

23:44 I was in a bad mood or I was feeling grumpy, but I was trying to film some

23:46 grumpy, but I was trying to film some

23:46 grumpy, but I was trying to film some video, the history of the people mover

23:47 video, the history of the people mover

23:47 video, the history of the people mover or something. And if I was in a bad mood

23:50 or something. And if I was in a bad mood

23:50 or something. And if I was in a bad mood on the inside,

23:52 on the inside,

23:52 on the inside, I would delete that footage and go back

23:54 I would delete that footage and go back

23:54 I would delete that footage and go back when I could be in a positive mood, in a

23:56 when I could be in a positive mood, in a

23:56 when I could be in a positive mood, in a good frame of mind because I don't know

23:57 good frame of mind because I don't know

23:57 good frame of mind because I don't know if there's any secret magic voodoo or

23:59 if there's any secret magic voodoo or

23:59 if there's any secret magic voodoo or juju in it or whatever, but I just had a

24:02 juju in it or whatever, but I just had a

24:02 juju in it or whatever, but I just had a kind of a superstition thing that like,

24:04 kind of a superstition thing that like,

24:04 kind of a superstition thing that like, well, if you're negative, even if you're

24:07 well, if you're negative, even if you're

24:07 well, if you're negative, even if you're faking being positive, you're putting

24:08 faking being positive, you're putting

24:08 faking being positive, you're putting something negative into the world. And

24:10 something negative into the world. And

24:10 something negative into the world. And so sincerity became a part of it. And

24:13 so sincerity became a part of it. And

24:14 so sincerity became a part of it. And I've articulated some of this because

24:15 I've articulated some of this because

24:15 I've articulated some of this because there are videos about the quest for

24:17 there are videos about the quest for

24:17 there are videos about the quest for positivity when I started it. I don't

24:18 positivity when I started it. I don't

24:18 positivity when I started it. I don't even remember when that was. There's a

24:20 even remember when that was. There's a

24:20 even remember when that was. There's a very nice girl who used to watch those

24:21 very nice girl who used to watch those

24:21 very nice girl who used to watch those videos who sadly now passed away who

24:23 videos who sadly now passed away who

24:23 videos who sadly now passed away who used to she used to send me a message

24:26 used to she used to send me a message

24:26 used to she used to send me a message every so often when hey 400 days of the

24:28 every so often when hey 400 days of the

24:28 every so often when hey 400 days of the quest for positivity or you know 600

24:30 quest for positivity or you know 600

24:30 quest for positivity or you know 600 days a thousand days. I missed that.

24:34 days a thousand days. I missed that.

24:34 days a thousand days. I missed that. That was that was really cool.

24:36 That was that was really cool.

24:36 That was that was really cool. And I think I did a video later on the

24:38 And I think I did a video later on the

24:38 And I think I did a video later on the origins of it and just explaining kind

24:40 origins of it and just explaining kind

24:40 origins of it and just explaining kind of the basic outline of the divorce I

24:43 of the basic outline of the divorce I

24:43 of the basic outline of the divorce I had gone through and the life I had gone

24:44 had gone through and the life I had gone

24:44 had gone through and the life I had gone through. So you could look that up if

24:45 through. So you could look that up if

24:45 through. So you could look that up if you want more information. I've already

24:48 you want more information. I've already

24:48 you want more information. I've already given a lot of information and I'm being

24:49 given a lot of information and I'm being

24:49 given a lot of information and I'm being very long-winded.

24:56 Well, the quest for positivity I must

24:56 Well, the quest for positivity I must say in large part worked.

25:00 say in large part worked.

25:00 say in large part worked. People misunderstood it all the time.

25:02 People misunderstood it all the time.

25:02 People misunderstood it all the time. They're like, "Oh, so you're Mr.

25:03 They're like, "Oh, so you're Mr.

25:03 They're like, "Oh, so you're Mr. Positive Man. You're one of those fake

25:04 Positive Man. You're one of those fake

25:04 Positive Man. You're one of those fake till you make it positive people." like

25:05 till you make it positive people." like

25:05 till you make it positive people." like no or like oh you just think

25:08 no or like oh you just think

25:08 no or like oh you just think everything's positive you don't think

25:09 everything's positive you don't think

25:09 everything's positive you don't think anything's negative sometimes if I was

25:11 anything's negative sometimes if I was

25:11 anything's negative sometimes if I was being negative or saying like oh man

25:12 being negative or saying like oh man

25:12 being negative or saying like oh man this thing is frustrating or sucks or

25:14 this thing is frustrating or sucks or

25:14 this thing is frustrating or sucks or whatever people that's not very Q for P

25:16 whatever people that's not very Q for P

25:16 whatever people that's not very Q for P of you not very quest for positivity

25:17 of you not very quest for positivity

25:17 of you not very quest for positivity it's like they didn't understand that

25:20 it's like they didn't understand that

25:20 it's like they didn't understand that the point was is that I am a negative

25:22 the point was is that I am a negative

25:22 the point was is that I am a negative and cynical person sometimes in my heart

25:24 and cynical person sometimes in my heart

25:24 and cynical person sometimes in my heart especially towards myself and the point

25:27 especially towards myself and the point

25:27 especially towards myself and the point is to try to be on this quest to try to

25:30 is to try to be on this quest to try to

25:30 is to try to be on this quest to try to see the silver linings to be grateful to

25:33 see the silver linings to be grateful to

25:33 see the silver linings to be grateful to do all those things and I really really

25:38 do all those things and I really really

25:38 do all those things and I really really tried every day, every second I would

25:41 tried every day, every second I would

25:41 tried every day, every second I would wake up in agony from the from the

25:44 wake up in agony from the from the

25:44 wake up in agony from the from the bedroom floor and go off and wander

25:47 bedroom floor and go off and wander

25:47 bedroom floor and go off and wander around with no more friends, no more

25:50 around with no more friends, no more

25:50 around with no more friends, no more love interests, just alone and focus on

25:55 love interests, just alone and focus on

25:55 love interests, just alone and focus on the silly things and the fun things and

25:57 the silly things and the fun things and

25:57 the silly things and the fun things and the silver lining things and the wow,

26:00 the silver lining things and the wow,

26:00 the silver lining things and the wow, isn't it cool that we get to be at

26:02 isn't it cool that we get to be at

26:02 isn't it cool that we get to be at Disneyland today or in this park today

26:04 Disneyland today or in this park today

26:04 Disneyland today or in this park today or walking down this street today or

26:06 or walking down this street today or

26:06 or walking down this street today or looking at this historical cemetery

26:08 looking at this historical cemetery

26:08 looking at this historical cemetery today or whatever it was. And slowly but

26:11 today or whatever it was. And slowly but

26:11 today or whatever it was. And slowly but surely, to my own surprise,

26:15 surely, to my own surprise,

26:15 surely, to my own surprise, that got easier and easier, it's like

26:18 that got easier and easier, it's like

26:18 that got easier and easier, it's like working out a muscle. You're very weak

26:19 working out a muscle. You're very weak

26:20 working out a muscle. You're very weak at first. The more that you do it, the

26:22 at first. The more that you do it, the

26:22 at first. The more that you do it, the stronger it gets. And it almost like

26:24 stronger it gets. And it almost like

26:24 stronger it gets. And it almost like rewire. Like I know they've done

26:25 rewire. Like I know they've done

26:25 rewire. Like I know they've done scientific studies about this that if

26:27 scientific studies about this that if

26:27 scientific studies about this that if you complain and you complain, you're

26:28 you complain and you complain, you're

26:28 you complain and you complain, you're negative. Your brain rewires itself. And

26:31 negative. Your brain rewires itself. And

26:31 negative. Your brain rewires itself. And I'm sure they've done studies

26:34 I'm sure they've done studies

26:34 I'm sure they've done studies for the inverse that if the more you

26:36 for the inverse that if the more you

26:36 for the inverse that if the more you look at the bright side, the more you

26:37 look at the bright side, the more you

26:37 look at the bright side, the more you will see the bright side. And that

26:39 will see the bright side. And that

26:39 will see the bright side. And that started to happen. I would look for the

26:43 started to happen. I would look for the

26:43 started to happen. I would look for the silver lining. And all of a sudden, I

26:45 silver lining. And all of a sudden, I

26:45 silver lining. And all of a sudden, I would start to find it.

26:47 would start to find it.

26:47 would start to find it. I would look past the thing that was

26:49 I would look past the thing that was

26:49 I would look past the thing that was annoying me and look for the part that I

26:52 annoying me and look for the part that I

26:52 annoying me and look for the part that I liked or the part of the person who was

26:53 liked or the part of the person who was

26:53 liked or the part of the person who was annoying me that was lovable and I would

26:56 annoying me that was lovable and I would

26:56 annoying me that was lovable and I would could see past the things I was angry or

26:59 could see past the things I was angry or

26:59 could see past the things I was angry or frustrated or upset about. Now, not all

27:00 frustrated or upset about. Now, not all

27:00 frustrated or upset about. Now, not all the time. I'm not perfect. I'm no saint.

27:03 the time. I'm not perfect. I'm no saint.

27:03 the time. I'm not perfect. I'm no saint. But I'm just saying it got easier and

27:05 But I'm just saying it got easier and

27:05 But I'm just saying it got easier and easier.

27:07 easier.

27:07 easier. Ally came into my life.

27:15 I got new friends who

27:15 I got new friends who I just knew in some weird cosmic way

27:18 I just knew in some weird cosmic way

27:18 I just knew in some weird cosmic way were responding to the positivity cuz

27:21 were responding to the positivity cuz

27:21 were responding to the positivity cuz there are people that probably wouldn't

27:22 there are people that probably wouldn't

27:22 there are people that probably wouldn't have been my friends when I was cynical

27:23 have been my friends when I was cynical

27:23 have been my friends when I was cynical and negative and always being a drag and

27:25 and negative and always being a drag and

27:25 and negative and always being a drag and complaining and sulking or having

27:28 complaining and sulking or having

27:28 complaining and sulking or having anxiety and uh

27:31 anxiety and uh

27:31 anxiety and uh and my life changed. But then

27:34 and my life changed. But then

27:34 and my life changed. But then Adam the Woo being one of those people,

27:36 Adam the Woo being one of those people,

27:36 Adam the Woo being one of those people, right? But then, well, he was my friend

27:38 right? But then, well, he was my friend

27:38 right? But then, well, he was my friend before the quest for positivity, but

27:39 before the quest for positivity, but

27:39 before the quest for positivity, but it's still one of those things, one of

27:40 it's still one of those things, one of

27:40 it's still one of those things, one of those people that you're creative with

27:41 those people that you're creative with

27:41 those people that you're creative with and you're doing all this stuff with and

27:43 and you're doing all this stuff with and

27:43 and you're doing all this stuff with and you're responding to that positive

27:44 you're responding to that positive

27:44 you're responding to that positive energy in each other. And I talked about

27:46 energy in each other. And I talked about

27:46 energy in each other. And I talked about this a lot with him as we were going.

27:49 this a lot with him as we were going.

27:49 this a lot with him as we were going. And that actually inspired him a lot to

27:51 And that actually inspired him a lot to

27:51 And that actually inspired him a lot to shift what he was doing from just crazy

27:53 shift what he was doing from just crazy

27:53 shift what he was doing from just crazy abandoned buildings and whatever into

27:54 abandoned buildings and whatever into

27:54 abandoned buildings and whatever into like, yeah, that's a good idea, putting

27:55 like, yeah, that's a good idea, putting

27:55 like, yeah, that's a good idea, putting more positive stuff into the world and

27:57 more positive stuff into the world and

27:57 more positive stuff into the world and all that stuff and feeling a

27:58 all that stuff and feeling a

27:58 all that stuff and feeling a responsibility to like look for the

28:00 responsibility to like look for the

28:00 responsibility to like look for the bright side and stuff and to put put

28:02 bright side and stuff and to put put

28:02 bright side and stuff and to put put that good into what you're creating or

28:04 that good into what you're creating or

28:04 that good into what you're creating or making. Because we had both come from a

28:06 making. Because we had both come from a

28:06 making. Because we had both come from a world where you're like, "Okay, we're

28:07 world where you're like, "Okay, we're

28:07 world where you're like, "Okay, we're writing a new punk rock song. Look for

28:09 writing a new punk rock song. Look for

28:09 writing a new punk rock song. Look for the angriest, darkest part of you. Look

28:11 the angriest, darkest part of you. Look

28:11 the angriest, darkest part of you. Look for the part that's grieving the most or

28:13 for the part that's grieving the most or

28:13 for the part that's grieving the most or hurt the most or bitter the most and put

28:14 hurt the most or bitter the most and put

28:14 hurt the most or bitter the most and put that into the to the art or the creative

28:18 that into the to the art or the creative

28:18 that into the to the art or the creative work, right?" And so this was kind of

28:20 work, right?" And so this was kind of

28:20 work, right?" And so this was kind of the opposite. It was kind of a different

28:22 the opposite. It was kind of a different

28:22 the opposite. It was kind of a different type of punk rock spin on it where like,

28:24 type of punk rock spin on it where like,

28:24 type of punk rock spin on it where like, "No, that's what the rest of the world

28:26 "No, that's what the rest of the world

28:26 "No, that's what the rest of the world wants. We're going to take this and be

28:27 wants. We're going to take this and be

28:27 wants. We're going to take this and be positive." Now, at the time, YouTube was

28:29 positive." Now, at the time, YouTube was

28:29 positive." Now, at the time, YouTube was very blue and very dirty. all internet

28:31 very blue and very dirty. all internet

28:31 very blue and very dirty. all internet humor was very old school Twitter uh

28:34 humor was very old school Twitter uh

28:34 humor was very old school Twitter uh very inappropriate jokes and shock humor

28:36 very inappropriate jokes and shock humor

28:36 very inappropriate jokes and shock humor and all that kind of stuff and we were

28:39 and all that kind of stuff and we were

28:39 and all that kind of stuff and we were both like dude let's just work clean you

28:41 both like dude let's just work clean you

28:41 both like dude let's just work clean you know we'll do the YouTube channel clean

28:43 know we'll do the YouTube channel clean

28:43 know we'll do the YouTube channel clean and family friendly because we both grew

28:44 and family friendly because we both grew

28:44 and family friendly because we both grew up in families where like if there was a

28:45 up in families where like if there was a

28:45 up in families where like if there was a swear on the album you weren't allowed

28:46 swear on the album you weren't allowed

28:46 swear on the album you weren't allowed to listen to it was an R on the movie

28:49 to listen to it was an R on the movie

28:49 to listen to it was an R on the movie you weren't allowed to watch it like

28:50 you weren't allowed to watch it like

28:50 you weren't allowed to watch it like wouldn't it be cool if like everything

28:51 wouldn't it be cool if like everything

28:51 wouldn't it be cool if like everything was accessible to everyone kind of thing

28:54 was accessible to everyone kind of thing

28:54 was accessible to everyone kind of thing which at the time now people do to

28:57 which at the time now people do to

28:57 which at the time now people do to create uh influencer channels or things

29:00 create uh influencer channels or things

29:00 create uh influencer channels or things so they can get sponsored by big brands.

29:02 so they can get sponsored by big brands.

29:02 so they can get sponsored by big brands. But at that time back then, nobody was

29:05 But at that time back then, nobody was

29:05 But at that time back then, nobody was doing that. People be like, "That's

29:06 doing that. People be like, "That's

29:06 doing that. People be like, "That's dumb. What is this?" Like Mr. Rogers.

29:08 dumb. What is this?" Like Mr. Rogers.

29:08 dumb. What is this?" Like Mr. Rogers. Yeah, that was a big inspiration for

29:09 Yeah, that was a big inspiration for

29:09 Yeah, that was a big inspiration for both of us. Jim Henson, another one.

29:17 I miss him right now. You would

29:17 I miss him right now. You would understand exactly what I'm talking

29:19 understand exactly what I'm talking

29:19 understand exactly what I'm talking about.

29:21 about.

29:21 about. But the more I did it, the more that it

29:23 But the more I did it, the more that it

29:23 But the more I did it, the more that it worked, the more my life was more

29:25 worked, the more my life was more

29:25 worked, the more my life was more positive. Still hard. Still lots of

29:27 positive. Still hard. Still lots of

29:27 positive. Still hard. Still lots of stuff happens. You're still negative.

29:28 stuff happens. You're still negative.

29:28 stuff happens. You're still negative. And part of the whole quest for

29:29 And part of the whole quest for

29:29 And part of the whole quest for positivity thing for me is acknowledging

29:31 positivity thing for me is acknowledging

29:31 positivity thing for me is acknowledging when something sucks. Go, this sucks.

29:33 when something sucks. Go, this sucks.

29:33 when something sucks. Go, this sucks. This hurts bad. I hate this.

29:37 This hurts bad. I hate this.

29:37 This hurts bad. I hate this. But then once you've let that out to get

29:41 But then once you've let that out to get

29:41 But then once you've let that out to get up and move on from that instead of

29:42 up and move on from that instead of

29:42 up and move on from that instead of sitting there with it, which is what I

29:44 sitting there with it, which is what I

29:44 sitting there with it, which is what I used to do in my life. Yeah, this sucks

29:46 used to do in my life. Yeah, this sucks

29:46 used to do in my life. Yeah, this sucks and there's nothing I can do about it.

29:48 and there's nothing I can do about it.

29:48 and there's nothing I can do about it. Okay, maybe there's nothing I can do

29:49 Okay, maybe there's nothing I can do

29:49 Okay, maybe there's nothing I can do about this. Here's the question for

29:51 about this. Here's the question for

29:51 about this. Here's the question for positivity spin. But maybe there's

29:53 positivity spin. But maybe there's

29:53 positivity spin. But maybe there's something else I can do over here or

29:55 something else I can do over here or

29:55 something else I can do over here or something else I can do over there. And

29:56 something else I can do over there. And

29:56 something else I can do over there. And that's why I kept the videos going is

29:58 that's why I kept the videos going is

29:58 that's why I kept the videos going is like, well, there's like 500 people

30:00 like, well, there's like 500 people

30:00 like, well, there's like 500 people watching them.

30:02 watching them.

30:02 watching them. If I could make five I remember telling

30:03 If I could make five I remember telling

30:03 If I could make five I remember telling my friend Rosco soul trained this while

30:05 my friend Rosco soul trained this while

30:05 my friend Rosco soul trained this while he was cutting my hair once, like, man,

30:07 he was cutting my hair once, like, man,

30:07 he was cutting my hair once, like, man, if I could make 500 people smile today,

30:12 if I could make 500 people smile today,

30:12 if I could make 500 people smile today, how awesome is that? That's better than

30:14 how awesome is that? That's better than

30:14 how awesome is that? That's better than anything else I could possibly do with

30:15 anything else I could possibly do with

30:16 anything else I could possibly do with my energy right now in my miserable

30:17 my energy right now in my miserable

30:17 my energy right now in my miserable situation and condition.

30:20 situation and condition.

30:20 situation and condition. I'll focus on that and my life changed

30:23 I'll focus on that and my life changed

30:24 I'll focus on that and my life changed for the better in so many ways. I mean,

30:26 for the better in so many ways. I mean,

30:26 for the better in so many ways. I mean, I'm still broke usually, but I'm broke

30:27 I'm still broke usually, but I'm broke

30:28 I'm still broke usually, but I'm broke at a higher level. Sometimes I'm still

30:30 at a higher level. Sometimes I'm still

30:30 at a higher level. Sometimes I'm still miserable, but I'm miserable at a higher

30:32 miserable, but I'm miserable at a higher

30:32 miserable, but I'm miserable at a higher level. You know, you know what I mean?

30:36 level. You know, you know what I mean?

30:36 level. You know, you know what I mean? And I try to move past it. See the

30:37 And I try to move past it. See the

30:37 And I try to move past it. See the silver lining. But here's the thing.

30:39 silver lining. But here's the thing.

30:39 silver lining. But here's the thing. Eventually,

30:41 Eventually,

30:41 Eventually, even the best of us in

30:43 even the best of us in

30:43 even the best of us in our fallen human nature

30:46 our fallen human nature

30:46 our fallen human nature gets to a point where you're back on

30:47 gets to a point where you're back on

30:48 gets to a point where you're back on autopilot again.

30:50 autopilot again.

30:50 autopilot again. You're letting things hurt you or stress

30:51 You're letting things hurt you or stress

30:51 You're letting things hurt you or stress you out for way longer than you should.

30:53 you out for way longer than you should.

30:53 you out for way longer than you should. You're

30:58 not looking for silver linings. You're

30:58 not looking for silver linings. You're just expecting them to come your way or

30:59 just expecting them to come your way or

31:00 just expecting them to come your way or you're just not looking out for them.

31:01 you're just not looking out for them.

31:02 you're just not looking out for them. You stop counting your blessings every

31:03 You stop counting your blessings every

31:03 You stop counting your blessings every day. You start to say, "Yeah, I tell I'm

31:04 day. You start to say, "Yeah, I tell I'm

31:04 day. You start to say, "Yeah, I tell I'm totally grateful." without actually

31:06 totally grateful." without actually

31:06 totally grateful." without actually stopping to meditate on your blessings

31:10 stopping to meditate on your blessings

31:10 stopping to meditate on your blessings or the good things in your life or how

31:11 or the good things in your life or how

31:11 or the good things in your life or how grateful you are or how great it is that

31:13 grateful you are or how great it is that

31:13 grateful you are or how great it is that the wind is blowing through the sage

31:15 the wind is blowing through the sage

31:15 the wind is blowing through the sage brush here and I get to breathe this air

31:17 brush here and I get to breathe this air

31:17 brush here and I get to breathe this air and my heart still gets to beat and I

31:19 and my heart still gets to beat and I

31:19 and my heart still gets to beat and I get to stand on this earth

31:23 get to stand on this earth

31:23 get to stand on this earth and enjoy just a little bit of something

31:26 and enjoy just a little bit of something

31:26 and enjoy just a little bit of something that that goes by so fast and it's gone.

31:30 that that goes by so fast and it's gone.

31:30 that that goes by so fast and it's gone. fun.

31:38 And um

31:38 And um so getting back to to Adam,

31:41 so getting back to to Adam,

31:41 so getting back to to Adam, his death really shook me up on so many

31:46 his death really shook me up on so many

31:46 his death really shook me up on so many levels, but it shook me up about myself,

31:48 levels, but it shook me up about myself,

31:48 levels, but it shook me up about myself, too, because I realized

31:51 too, because I realized

31:51 too, because I realized how much I take for granted. The hardest

31:55 how much I take for granted. The hardest

31:55 how much I take for granted. The hardest part

31:56 part

31:56 part of him passing away is what a great

31:58 of him passing away is what a great

31:58 of him passing away is what a great friend he was and how much I knew I had

32:00 friend he was and how much I knew I had

32:00 friend he was and how much I knew I had taken him for granted. And then of

32:02 taken him for granted. And then of

32:02 taken him for granted. And then of course people want to rush to you and

32:03 course people want to rush to you and

32:03 course people want to rush to you and go, "No, no, you loved him and he knew

32:05 go, "No, no, you loved him and he knew

32:05 go, "No, no, you loved him and he knew you loved him." I know that. But I did

32:08 you loved him." I know that. But I did

32:08 you loved him." I know that. But I did take him for granted. Like we all take

32:09 take him for granted. Like we all take

32:09 take him for granted. Like we all take everything for granted. No matter how

32:11 everything for granted. No matter how

32:11 everything for granted. No matter how hard we try, we're still going to take

32:12 hard we try, we're still going to take

32:12 hard we try, we're still going to take things for granted to a certain degree.

32:14 things for granted to a certain degree.

32:14 things for granted to a certain degree. I didn't think he would be gone.

32:20 Hey man, let's meet up and do this thing

32:20 Hey man, let's meet up and do this thing and d we'll go on this trip in January.

32:22 and d we'll go on this trip in January.

32:22 and d we'll go on this trip in January. We'll go old I80. Micah's going to come.

32:24 We'll go old I80. Micah's going to come.

32:24 We'll go old I80. Micah's going to come. We're going to meet up in this city and

32:25 We're going to meet up in this city and

32:25 We're going to meet up in this city and that city. I don't know. You know, I've

32:28 that city. I don't know. You know, I've

32:28 that city. I don't know. You know, I've been in Florida for a month. I'm going

32:29 been in Florida for a month. I'm going

32:29 been in Florida for a month. I'm going to go home. Well, I'll see how much I'll

32:30 to go home. Well, I'll see how much I'll

32:30 to go home. Well, I'll see how much I'll do with you. You'll be around. Yeah,

32:33 do with you. You'll be around. Yeah,

32:33 do with you. You'll be around. Yeah, totally, bro. We'll have more time. And

32:35 totally, bro. We'll have more time. And

32:35 totally, bro. We'll have more time. And then all of a sudden, you don't have any

32:37 then all of a sudden, you don't have any

32:37 then all of a sudden, you don't have any time. I took him for granted.

32:41 time. I took him for granted.

32:41 time. I took him for granted. And more than that, I started to see how

32:42 And more than that, I started to see how

32:42 And more than that, I started to see how much I take everything else for granted.

32:44 much I take everything else for granted.

32:44 much I take everything else for granted. And I got to this autopilot place where,

32:47 And I got to this autopilot place where,

32:47 And I got to this autopilot place where, like we all do,

32:56 where I just take breathing for granted.

32:56 where I just take breathing for granted. I take living for granted. I take

32:59 I take living for granted. I take

32:59 I take living for granted. I take getting to open my eyes in the morning

33:01 getting to open my eyes in the morning

33:01 getting to open my eyes in the morning on a new day for granted. I let the

33:04 on a new day for granted. I let the

33:04 on a new day for granted. I let the struggles and the worries and the bills

33:06 struggles and the worries and the bills

33:06 struggles and the worries and the bills and the things which are real things and

33:07 and the things which are real things and

33:07 and the things which are real things and really have to be dealt with and have to

33:09 really have to be dealt with and have to

33:09 really have to be dealt with and have to be worried over to some degree. But I

33:11 be worried over to some degree. But I

33:11 be worried over to some degree. But I let all that

33:14 let all that

33:14 let all that rob me of taking the time to be

33:19 rob me of taking the time to be

33:19 rob me of taking the time to be grateful, to feel grateful.

33:25 Like what's the sin here? What's the big

33:25 Like what's the sin here? What's the big mistake? What's the thing you did wrong?

33:27 mistake? What's the thing you did wrong?

33:27 mistake? What's the thing you did wrong? The thing that I did wrong was

33:37 procrastinate. That's one.

33:37 procrastinate. That's one. We all do that. take things for granted.

33:41 We all do that. take things for granted.

33:41 We all do that. take things for granted. That's another one. But the big one, the

33:43 That's another one. But the big one, the

33:43 That's another one. But the big one, the big sin

33:45 big sin

33:45 big sin is neglect.

33:48 is neglect.

33:48 is neglect. I let everything worry me just like we

33:50 I let everything worry me just like we

33:50 I let everything worry me just like we all do. And I just neglect

33:57 myself.

33:57 myself. Neglect the people around me.

34:01 Neglect the people around me.

34:01 Neglect the people around me. Neglect the little things that I know I

34:03 Neglect the little things that I know I

34:03 Neglect the little things that I know I should do.

34:08 I don't know if this is making any kind

34:08 I don't know if this is making any kind of sense, but that was a big part of it.

34:11 of sense, but that was a big part of it.

34:11 of sense, but that was a big part of it. Just feeling

34:14 Just feeling

34:14 Just feeling guilty and

34:17 guilty and

34:17 guilty and guilty for taking him for granted,

34:18 guilty for taking him for granted,

34:18 guilty for taking him for granted, taking everything else around me for

34:21 taking everything else around me for

34:21 taking everything else around me for granted, everybody for granted.

34:28 And I realized I had let the quest for

34:28 And I realized I had let the quest for positivity, I realized this yesterday, I

34:30 positivity, I realized this yesterday, I

34:30 positivity, I realized this yesterday, I had let it just go on autopilot. I hit

34:32 had let it just go on autopilot. I hit

34:32 had let it just go on autopilot. I hit cruise control and just cruised around

34:34 cruise control and just cruised around

34:34 cruise control and just cruised around like, okay, I learned some lessons 10

34:36 like, okay, I learned some lessons 10

34:36 like, okay, I learned some lessons 10 years ago and a few a few more along the

34:38 years ago and a few a few more along the

34:38 years ago and a few a few more along the way. And I those are enough.

34:42 way. And I those are enough.

34:42 way. And I those are enough. And I haven't spent the time to

34:46 And I haven't spent the time to

34:46 And I haven't spent the time to count my blessings now and to be

34:48 count my blessings now and to be

34:48 count my blessings now and to be grateful now and to think about who's in

34:50 grateful now and to think about who's in

34:50 grateful now and to think about who's in your life that you might love, but maybe

34:52 your life that you might love, but maybe

34:52 your life that you might love, but maybe they're standing in the way. Because

34:53 they're standing in the way. Because

34:53 they're standing in the way. Because part of the question of positivity is

34:54 part of the question of positivity is

34:54 part of the question of positivity is not just oh blindly loving everyone and

34:56 not just oh blindly loving everyone and

34:56 not just oh blindly loving everyone and thinking everything's positive but to go

34:58 thinking everything's positive but to go

34:58 thinking everything's positive but to go okay what are the things in your life

34:59 okay what are the things in your life

34:59 okay what are the things in your life that are stopping you

35:03 that are stopping you

35:03 that are stopping you from being positive or for making

35:04 from being positive or for making

35:04 from being positive or for making positive choices or good choices or not

35:06 positive choices or good choices or not

35:06 positive choices or good choices or not wasting your time or not

35:09 wasting your time or not

35:09 wasting your time or not you know being neglectful or all those

35:11 you know being neglectful or all those

35:11 you know being neglectful or all those things

35:13 things

35:13 things you just go on autopilot. you accept

35:14 you just go on autopilot. you accept

35:14 you just go on autopilot. you accept certain people in your life that

35:16 certain people in your life that

35:16 certain people in your life that probably you should in friendliness

35:19 probably you should in friendliness

35:19 probably you should in friendliness part from or spend less time with

35:25 and on the other hand there's people in

35:25 and on the other hand there's people in your life that you should spend more

35:26 your life that you should spend more

35:26 your life that you should spend more time with or pay more care and attention

35:28 time with or pay more care and attention

35:28 time with or pay more care and attention to that you just end up n it's hard or

35:32 to that you just end up n it's hard or

35:32 to that you just end up n it's hard or that's just a little too frustrating or

35:33 that's just a little too frustrating or

35:33 that's just a little too frustrating or oh this is a lot of work right now I'm

35:34 oh this is a lot of work right now I'm

35:34 oh this is a lot of work right now I'm worried about all these other things.

35:37 worried about all these other things.

35:37 worried about all these other things. I guess this applies to every day of

35:39 I guess this applies to every day of

35:39 I guess this applies to every day of your life. But the point is

35:42 your life. But the point is

35:42 your life. But the point is I was on that autopilot for so long. And

35:45 I was on that autopilot for so long. And

35:45 I was on that autopilot for so long. And what this vision quest has taught me

35:47 what this vision quest has taught me

35:47 what this vision quest has taught me about myself, if anything, is like you

35:50 about myself, if anything, is like you

35:50 about myself, if anything, is like you cannot take your days for granted. They

35:52 cannot take your days for granted. They

35:52 cannot take your days for granted. They go so quickly. Man is but a vapor, you

35:56 go so quickly. Man is but a vapor, you

35:56 go so quickly. Man is but a vapor, you know, or life is but a vapor.

35:59 know, or life is but a vapor.

35:59 know, or life is but a vapor. Breathe in, you breathe out, it's gone.

36:00 Breathe in, you breathe out, it's gone.

36:00 Breathe in, you breathe out, it's gone. There's a lot of like things in life

36:02 There's a lot of like things in life

36:02 There's a lot of like things in life that I wish I had that I don't have. So

36:06 that I wish I had that I don't have. So

36:06 that I wish I had that I don't have. So I could say, "Oh, I'm not the person I

36:08 I could say, "Oh, I'm not the person I

36:08 I could say, "Oh, I'm not the person I want to be like in this sense. Oh, I

36:11 want to be like in this sense. Oh, I

36:11 want to be like in this sense. Oh, I don't own a house or I don't have any

36:13 don't own a house or I don't have any

36:13 don't own a house or I don't have any kind of savings account or anything to

36:15 kind of savings account or anything to

36:15 kind of savings account or anything to leave behind me for my future

36:17 leave behind me for my future

36:18 leave behind me for my future grandchildren or anything." Or, you

36:20 grandchildren or anything." Or, you

36:20 grandchildren or anything." Or, you know, I've never climbed the pyramids or

36:22 know, I've never climbed the pyramids or

36:22 know, I've never climbed the pyramids or I've never done this or I've never seen

36:24 I've never done this or I've never seen

36:24 I've never done this or I've never seen Rome.

36:27 Rome.

36:27 Rome. We all tend to think about those things

36:29 We all tend to think about those things

36:29 We all tend to think about those things all the time. Well, there's these things

36:30 all the time. Well, there's these things

36:30 all the time. Well, there's these things on my bucket list I've always wanted to

36:31 on my bucket list I've always wanted to

36:31 on my bucket list I've always wanted to own or see and I haven't done them yet.

36:33 own or see and I haven't done them yet.

36:33 own or see and I haven't done them yet. Or this guy I went to high school with,

36:35 Or this guy I went to high school with,

36:35 Or this guy I went to high school with, he's got a huge mansion. I'm living in a

36:37 he's got a huge mansion. I'm living in a

36:37 he's got a huge mansion. I'm living in a little apartment. Whatever those things

36:38 little apartment. Whatever those things

36:38 little apartment. Whatever those things are,

36:40 are,

36:40 are, those are real. They matter.

36:44 those are real. They matter.

36:44 those are real. They matter. But I've realized that I've totally

36:45 But I've realized that I've totally

36:46 But I've realized that I've totally neglected or stopped thinking about

36:50 neglected or stopped thinking about

36:50 neglected or stopped thinking about not just who I want to be in that sense.

36:52 not just who I want to be in that sense.

36:52 not just who I want to be in that sense. We all think about that stuff all the

36:54 We all think about that stuff all the

36:54 We all think about that stuff all the time, which can cause a lot of

36:56 time, which can cause a lot of

36:56 time, which can cause a lot of bitterness and frustration, by the way.

36:57 bitterness and frustration, by the way.

36:57 bitterness and frustration, by the way. Instead of being grateful for where

36:58 Instead of being grateful for where

36:58 Instead of being grateful for where we're at and what we have, we're always

37:00 we're at and what we have, we're always

37:00 we're at and what we have, we're always thinking about what we don't have yet or

37:01 thinking about what we don't have yet or

37:01 thinking about what we don't have yet or what we'd like to work towards or

37:03 what we'd like to work towards or

37:03 what we'd like to work towards or whatever.

37:04 whatever.

37:04 whatever. But I totally neglected. Here's the

37:06 But I totally neglected. Here's the

37:06 But I totally neglected. Here's the neglect thing again.

37:10 neglect thing again.

37:10 neglect thing again. I just I totally procrastinated,

37:13 I just I totally procrastinated,

37:13 I just I totally procrastinated, neglected, and put away that thing. the

37:15 neglected, and put away that thing. the

37:15 neglected, and put away that thing. the more important quest, which is I'm not

37:19 more important quest, which is I'm not

37:19 more important quest, which is I'm not the person in here or in here that I

37:24 the person in here or in here that I

37:24 the person in here or in here that I want to be.

37:27 want to be.

37:27 want to be. My friend Jay,

37:29 My friend Jay,

37:29 My friend Jay, Porsche Life 111 on Instagram,

37:39 was like a she was a big shot in

37:39 was like a she was a big shot in Hollywood, a big PR manager and stuff

37:41 Hollywood, a big PR manager and stuff

37:41 Hollywood, a big PR manager and stuff and they had this great life and they

37:42 and they had this great life and they

37:42 and they had this great life and they were working in the entertainment

37:43 were working in the entertainment

37:43 were working in the entertainment industry. And then she was diagnosed

37:46 industry. And then she was diagnosed

37:46 industry. And then she was diagnosed with MS and Jay had to spend a long time

37:49 with MS and Jay had to spend a long time

37:49 with MS and Jay had to spend a long time with her

37:51 with her

37:52 with her watching her slowly die. the love of his

37:54 watching her slowly die. the love of his

37:54 watching her slowly die. the love of his life slowly die.

37:57 life slowly die.

37:57 life slowly die. They got this car together though before

37:59 They got this car together though before

38:00 They got this car together though before they end this little yellow Porsche and

38:01 they end this little yellow Porsche and

38:02 they end this little yellow Porsche and they

38:04 they

38:04 they had this amazing

38:07 had this amazing

38:07 had this amazing kind of last chapter where they took the

38:08 kind of last chapter where they took the

38:08 kind of last chapter where they took the car out. They started this good vibes

38:10 car out. They started this good vibes

38:10 car out. They started this good vibes breakfast club with other people and

38:12 breakfast club with other people and

38:12 breakfast club with other people and ultimately she passed away and for the

38:14 ultimately she passed away and for the

38:14 ultimately she passed away and for the last year Jay has been driving across

38:17 last year Jay has been driving across

38:18 last year Jay has been driving across America and going on his own very long

38:19 America and going on his own very long

38:20 America and going on his own very long vision quest like what's next with this

38:21 vision quest like what's next with this

38:21 vision quest like what's next with this life? I met Jay in Atoria last year with

38:24 life? I met Jay in Atoria last year with

38:24 life? I met Jay in Atoria last year with Adam and we of course we heard some of

38:27 Adam and we of course we heard some of

38:27 Adam and we of course we heard some of his story and Adam and I instantly like

38:30 his story and Adam and I instantly like

38:30 his story and Adam and I instantly like adopted him into the tribe kind of

38:31 adopted him into the tribe kind of

38:31 adopted him into the tribe kind of thing.

38:34 thing. I've known this guy for a very short

38:35 I've known this guy for a very short

38:35 I've known this guy for a very short time. He's got the late night playset.

38:37 time. He's got the late night playset.

38:37 time. He's got the late night playset. He's got David Letter in his desk. I

38:38 He's got David Letter in his desk. I

38:38 He's got David Letter in his desk. I went over and filmed that. He does a

38:40 went over and filmed that. He does a

38:40 went over and filmed that. He does a Blockbuster gear podcast. My friend my

38:42 Blockbuster gear podcast. My friend my

38:42 Blockbuster gear podcast. My friend my friends from my friend Brandon from BC

38:44 friends from my friend Brandon from BC

38:44 friends from my friend Brandon from BC Delorean.

38:49 The reason I'm telling you about Jay is

38:49 The reason I'm telling you about Jay is that Jay, one of the people that I've

38:50 that Jay, one of the people that I've

38:50 that Jay, one of the people that I've known the least amount of time has gone

38:51 known the least amount of time has gone

38:52 known the least amount of time has gone through all this grief and stuff and I

38:54 through all this grief and stuff and I

38:54 through all this grief and stuff and I had a few talks with him about it and

38:55 had a few talks with him about it and

38:56 had a few talks with him about it and everything and shared my sympathies and

38:58 everything and shared my sympathies and

38:58 everything and shared my sympathies and stuff as much as I could, not having

38:59 stuff as much as I could, not having

38:59 stuff as much as I could, not having known her and not having known him for

39:01 known her and not having known him for

39:01 known her and not having known him for very long.

39:03 very long.

39:03 very long. Jay came out to Florida after we buried

39:06 Jay came out to Florida after we buried

39:06 Jay came out to Florida after we buried Adam even and he goes, "I'm not coming

39:08 Adam even and he goes, "I'm not coming

39:08 Adam even and he goes, "I'm not coming out there for Adam. I'm coming out there

39:09 out there for Adam. I'm coming out there

39:09 out there for Adam. I'm coming out there for you." He came out with some of the

39:11 for you." He came out with some of the

39:11 for you." He came out with some of the other guys and stuff and Jay has been

39:13 other guys and stuff and Jay has been

39:13 other guys and stuff and Jay has been through like some really insane grief.

39:16 through like some really insane grief.

39:16 through like some really insane grief. grief I hope I never understand.

39:24 And he really helped me along with along

39:24 And he really helped me along with along with a lot of other people really helped

39:25 with a lot of other people really helped

39:26 with a lot of other people really helped me walk through this and give me a road

39:28 me walk through this and give me a road

39:28 me walk through this and give me a road map for things and let me know there are

39:30 map for things and let me know there are

39:30 map for things and let me know there are certain things that there is no road map

39:31 certain things that there is no road map

39:31 certain things that there is no road map for.

39:33 for.

39:33 for. And he asked me this question one night

39:35 And he asked me this question one night

39:35 And he asked me this question one night when they were doing a podcast about

39:36 when they were doing a podcast about

39:36 when they were doing a podcast about Adam and I kind of sat in for part of

39:38 Adam and I kind of sat in for part of

39:38 Adam and I kind of sat in for part of it. When we were done, we ended up

39:40 it. When we were done, we ended up

39:40 it. When we were done, we ended up talking for hours and hours late into

39:42 talking for hours and hours late into

39:42 talking for hours and hours late into the night

39:44 the night

39:44 the night and he looks over at me and goes, "Do

39:45 and he looks over at me and goes, "Do

39:46 and he looks over at me and goes, "Do you love yourself?"

39:48 you love yourself?"

39:48 you love yourself?" Said, "No, what kind of question is

39:49 Said, "No, what kind of question is

39:49 Said, "No, what kind of question is that?" And I could go into a long diet

39:52 that?" And I could go into a long diet

39:52 that?" And I could go into a long diet tribe and I think I did. Poor Jay about

39:54 tribe and I think I did. Poor Jay about

39:54 tribe and I think I did. Poor Jay about how like I don't know if that's the

39:56 how like I don't know if that's the

39:56 how like I don't know if that's the right that's the right place to end your

39:59 right that's the right place to end your

39:59 right that's the right place to end your quest is to love yourself because I know

40:01 quest is to love yourself because I know

40:01 quest is to love yourself because I know some of the worst people I know love

40:03 some of the worst people I know love

40:03 some of the worst people I know love themselves

40:06 themselves

40:06 themselves too much, right?

40:09 too much, right?

40:09 too much, right? But then I started really thinking about

40:10 But then I started really thinking about

40:10 But then I started really thinking about it. I was like, well, I at least don't

40:13 it. I was like, well, I at least don't

40:13 it. I was like, well, I at least don't hate myself

40:15 hate myself

40:16 hate myself because that's where I started.

40:19 because that's where I started.

40:19 because that's where I started. Maybe I was the hyper kid and other

40:20 Maybe I was the hyper kid and other

40:20 Maybe I was the hyper kid and other people hated me so much that I

40:22 people hated me so much that I

40:22 people hated me so much that I internalized some of that. I don't know.

40:24 internalized some of that. I don't know.

40:24 internalized some of that. I don't know. I'm not a shrink.

40:26 I'm not a shrink.

40:26 I'm not a shrink. Maybe living with a lady who hated me

40:29 Maybe living with a lady who hated me

40:29 Maybe living with a lady who hated me for years did some of that to me, put

40:31 for years did some of that to me, put

40:31 for years did some of that to me, put that into me. Or maybe I'm just wired

40:33 that into me. Or maybe I'm just wired

40:33 that into me. Or maybe I'm just wired that way. Or maybe I had just become a

40:36 that way. Or maybe I had just become a

40:36 that way. Or maybe I had just become a jerk and I just had hated myself.

40:40 jerk and I just had hated myself.

40:40 jerk and I just had hated myself. I hated I'm not talking didn't like or h

40:44 I hated I'm not talking didn't like or h

40:44 I hated I'm not talking didn't like or h Yeah, I wish I was different. I freaking

40:46 Yeah, I wish I was different. I freaking

40:46 Yeah, I wish I was different. I freaking hated myself.

40:48 hated myself.

40:48 hated myself. I was kind of telling a little bit about

40:49 I was kind of telling a little bit about

40:49 I was kind of telling a little bit about the quest for positivity. There's a hole

40:52 the quest for positivity. There's a hole

40:52 the quest for positivity. There's a hole in the ground. Darn gophers nearly

40:54 in the ground. Darn gophers nearly

40:54 in the ground. Darn gophers nearly finally got me. Anyway, I'll try to be

40:57 finally got me. Anyway, I'll try to be

40:57 finally got me. Anyway, I'll try to be faster. And I know this is long and

40:58 faster. And I know this is long and

40:58 faster. And I know this is long and boring for some of you, but I was

41:01 boring for some of you, but I was

41:01 boring for some of you, but I was telling him a little bit about the quest

41:02 telling him a little bit about the quest

41:02 telling him a little bit about the quest and how

41:05 and how

41:05 and how I had to do a lot of work on myself. So,

41:08 I had to do a lot of work on myself. So,

41:08 I had to do a lot of work on myself. So, I couldn't just like sit there and go,

41:09 I couldn't just like sit there and go,

41:09 I couldn't just like sit there and go, "Oh, I got to practice self-love. I got

41:12 "Oh, I got to practice self-love. I got

41:12 "Oh, I got to practice self-love. I got to think I'm better than I am. If I

41:14 to think I'm better than I am. If I

41:14 to think I'm better than I am. If I think nice about myself, then I'll be

41:15 think nice about myself, then I'll be

41:15 think nice about myself, then I'll be nice." It doesn't work like that. I had

41:17 nice." It doesn't work like that. I had

41:17 nice." It doesn't work like that. I had to put in a lot of work to be nicer, to

41:19 to put in a lot of work to be nicer, to

41:19 to put in a lot of work to be nicer, to do nicer things for people, to focus

41:21 do nicer things for people, to focus

41:21 do nicer things for people, to focus more on making other people happy and

41:24 more on making other people happy and

41:24 more on making other people happy and taking care of others before myself and

41:26 taking care of others before myself and

41:26 taking care of others before myself and to also work on myself and who I was and

41:28 to also work on myself and who I was and

41:28 to also work on myself and who I was and what kind of attitude I had and what

41:29 what kind of attitude I had and what

41:29 what kind of attitude I had and what kind of decisions I made.

41:33 kind of decisions I made.

41:33 kind of decisions I made. And then slowly over time, having done

41:36 And then slowly over time, having done

41:36 And then slowly over time, having done that work, I hated myself less and less.

41:42 that work, I hated myself less and less.

41:42 that work, I hated myself less and less. I mean, there's still days I can't stand

41:43 I mean, there's still days I can't stand

41:43 I mean, there's still days I can't stand myself, but that's a different thing. I

41:45 myself, but that's a different thing. I

41:45 myself, but that's a different thing. I said, "At least I don't hate myself,

41:46 said, "At least I don't hate myself,

41:46 said, "At least I don't hate myself, which is all I want."

41:54 But after the conversation was done,

41:54 But after the conversation was done, maybe two or three days later,

41:57 maybe two or three days later,

41:57 maybe two or three days later, we had a Adam's family at their church

42:00 we had a Adam's family at their church

42:00 we had a Adam's family at their church had a kind of a small celebration of

42:03 had a kind of a small celebration of

42:03 had a kind of a small celebration of life just for family and church family.

42:05 life just for family and church family.

42:05 life just for family and church family. And I was there and Jay and I were the

42:08 And I was there and Jay and I were the

42:08 And I was there and Jay and I were the only two friends of Adam to speak.

42:11 only two friends of Adam to speak.

42:11 only two friends of Adam to speak. And he's like, "You thought about more

42:13 And he's like, "You thought about more

42:13 And he's like, "You thought about more about that question?" Actually, I kind

42:14 about that question?" Actually, I kind

42:14 about that question?" Actually, I kind of have.

42:16 of have.

42:16 of have. As I drove away from Jay, who was kind

42:17 As I drove away from Jay, who was kind

42:17 As I drove away from Jay, who was kind of the

42:19 of the

42:19 of the last of the friends that I said goodbye

42:21 last of the friends that I said goodbye

42:21 last of the friends that I said goodbye to there. I drove away, saw his little

42:24 to there. I drove away, saw his little

42:24 to there. I drove away, saw his little yellow car. He's going to go continue on

42:25 yellow car. He's going to go continue on

42:25 yellow car. He's going to go continue on his vision quest. I'm about to set out

42:27 his vision quest. I'm about to set out

42:27 his vision quest. I'm about to set out on mine. I've thought about this

42:30 on mine. I've thought about this

42:30 on mine. I've thought about this question a lot.

42:32 question a lot.

42:32 question a lot. And I realized like I had done a lot of

42:34 And I realized like I had done a lot of

42:34 And I realized like I had done a lot of work to where I didn't despise myself or

42:37 work to where I didn't despise myself or

42:37 work to where I didn't despise myself or want to destroy myself anymore.

42:43 But at some point, I had just gone,

42:43 But at some point, I had just gone, "Okay, this is good enough." And just

42:45 "Okay, this is good enough." And just

42:45 "Okay, this is good enough." And just stopped.

42:47 stopped.

42:47 stopped. I'm not talking about how anybody else

42:49 I'm not talking about how anybody else

42:49 I'm not talking about how anybody else perceives me or what anybody else thinks

42:51 perceives me or what anybody else thinks

42:51 perceives me or what anybody else thinks of me, because I'm sure there's a

42:52 of me, because I'm sure there's a

42:52 of me, because I'm sure there's a million people who are going to want to

42:54 million people who are going to want to

42:54 million people who are going to want to say, "No, what are you talking about?

42:55 say, "No, what are you talking about?

42:55 say, "No, what are you talking about? You're a great guy. You should love

42:57 You're a great guy. You should love

42:57 You're a great guy. You should love yourself."

42:58 yourself."

42:58 yourself." And I'm sure there's equally another

43:00 And I'm sure there's equally another

43:00 And I'm sure there's equally another million people who are out there like,

43:02 million people who are out there like,

43:02 million people who are out there like, "No, you are a horrible person. Destroy

43:03 "No, you are a horrible person. Destroy

43:03 "No, you are a horrible person. Destroy yourself." I know they're out there. I'm

43:07 yourself." I know they're out there. I'm

43:07 yourself." I know they're out there. I'm talking about how I feel about myself

43:10 talking about how I feel about myself

43:10 talking about how I feel about myself when I lay down in bed at night and no

43:13 when I lay down in bed at night and no

43:13 when I lay down in bed at night and no one's talking and it's just me and my

43:15 one's talking and it's just me and my

43:15 one's talking and it's just me and my conscience or it's just me in the car

43:17 conscience or it's just me in the car

43:17 conscience or it's just me in the car with the open road and no music playing,

43:19 with the open road and no music playing,

43:19 with the open road and no music playing, no audiobook, nothing, just driving.

43:21 no audiobook, nothing, just driving.

43:21 no audiobook, nothing, just driving. When I'm trapped alone with myself, how

43:24 When I'm trapped alone with myself, how

43:24 When I'm trapped alone with myself, how do I feel if I'm honestly looking at

43:26 do I feel if I'm honestly looking at

43:26 do I feel if I'm honestly looking at myself? And I realize I paused that

43:29 myself? And I realize I paused that

43:29 myself? And I realize I paused that journey and that quest so long ago.

43:34 journey and that quest so long ago.

43:34 journey and that quest so long ago. And that yeah, I may close my eyes and

43:36 And that yeah, I may close my eyes and

43:36 And that yeah, I may close my eyes and never open them again tomorrow. Or it

43:38 never open them again tomorrow. Or it

43:38 never open them again tomorrow. Or it could be 50 more years I'm stuck on this

43:41 could be 50 more years I'm stuck on this

43:41 could be 50 more years I'm stuck on this earth with myself.

43:43 earth with myself.

43:43 earth with myself. And it's probably time for that

43:46 And it's probably time for that

43:46 And it's probably time for that quest

43:48 quest

43:48 quest to continue.

43:54 Right? Because you can always be better.

43:54 Right? Because you can always be better. You can always do better. You can always

43:55 You can always do better. You can always

43:55 You can always do better. You can always feel better. No matter what the

43:57 feel better. No matter what the

43:57 feel better. No matter what the circumstances are,

44:00 circumstances are,

44:00 circumstances are, you know, I could lose the ability to

44:01 you know, I could lose the ability to

44:01 you know, I could lose the ability to walk tomorrow and be confined to one

44:03 walk tomorrow and be confined to one

44:03 walk tomorrow and be confined to one room forever. And I could still improve

44:06 room forever. And I could still improve

44:06 room forever. And I could still improve myself as a human being inside. I could

44:09 myself as a human being inside. I could

44:09 myself as a human being inside. I could still go online and leave nice comments

44:11 still go online and leave nice comments

44:12 still go online and leave nice comments to other people or try to make somebody

44:13 to other people or try to make somebody

44:14 to other people or try to make somebody else have a nice day or support somebody

44:15 else have a nice day or support somebody

44:15 else have a nice day or support somebody else.

44:18 else.

44:18 else. No matter how bad it gets, even if it

44:21 No matter how bad it gets, even if it

44:21 No matter how bad it gets, even if it were much worse than the situations I

44:23 were much worse than the situations I

44:23 were much worse than the situations I find myself in at the present, no matter

44:26 find myself in at the present, no matter

44:26 find myself in at the present, no matter how bad it gets, you can always do some

44:30 how bad it gets, you can always do some

44:30 how bad it gets, you can always do some good. Or at least I sure hope so.

44:38 You can always do better. You can always inside of you get that much closer to

44:40 inside of you get that much closer to

44:40 inside of you get that much closer to heaven and that much closer to

44:44 heaven and that much closer to

44:44 heaven and that much closer to the soft part of who you are inside.

44:51 There's always more love to give other

44:51 There's always more love to give other people and more grace to give to

44:55 people and more grace to give to

44:55 people and more grace to give to yourself.

44:57 yourself.

44:57 yourself. When it comes to myself, I don't just I

44:59 When it comes to myself, I don't just I

44:59 When it comes to myself, I don't just I can't I think the toxic side of that is

45:01 can't I think the toxic side of that is

45:01 can't I think the toxic side of that is sitting there and just going, I'm great

45:02 sitting there and just going, I'm great

45:02 sitting there and just going, I'm great the way I am.

45:04 the way I am.

45:04 the way I am. Look at me. I'm so wonderful.

45:07 Look at me. I'm so wonderful.

45:07 Look at me. I'm so wonderful. I feel like a lot of times now

45:10 I feel like a lot of times now

45:10 I feel like a lot of times now because people are depressed and

45:11 because people are depressed and

45:11 because people are depressed and anxious, there's a lot of information

45:12 anxious, there's a lot of information

45:12 anxious, there's a lot of information out there that's not that great about

45:14 out there that's not that great about

45:14 out there that's not that great about no, you just have to love yourself. and

45:16 no, you just have to love yourself. and

45:16 no, you just have to love yourself. and just lie to yourself that you're the

45:17 just lie to yourself that you're the

45:17 just lie to yourself that you're the greatest person ever and then you will

45:18 greatest person ever and then you will

45:18 greatest person ever and then you will be the greatest person ever and you'll

45:19 be the greatest person ever and you'll

45:19 be the greatest person ever and you'll be the happiest person ever. I don't

45:20 be the happiest person ever. I don't

45:20 be the happiest person ever. I don't think that's honest and I don't think it

45:22 think that's honest and I don't think it

45:22 think that's honest and I don't think it works like that. I think you have to

45:23 works like that. I think you have to

45:23 works like that. I think you have to earn it but not earn it for other

45:26 earn it but not earn it for other

45:26 earn it but not earn it for other people. Not doing things on the outside

45:28 people. Not doing things on the outside

45:28 people. Not doing things on the outside to make people think you're great, you

45:31 to make people think you're great, you

45:31 to make people think you're great, you know,

45:32 know,

45:32 know, here in here

45:35 here in here

45:35 here in here where no one else can touch and no one

45:36 where no one else can touch and no one

45:36 where no one else can touch and no one else can get to. And if you're honestly

45:38 else can get to. And if you're honestly

45:38 else can get to. And if you're honestly looking at yourself

45:41 looking at yourself

45:41 looking at yourself in the metaphorical mirror,

45:44 in the metaphorical mirror,

45:44 in the metaphorical mirror, who are you?

45:46 who are you?

45:46 who are you? Have you earned that respect from

45:48 Have you earned that respect from

45:48 Have you earned that respect from yourself, that love from yourself?

45:51 yourself, that love from yourself?

45:51 yourself, that love from yourself? Are you doing the best that you can? And

45:54 Are you doing the best that you can? And

45:54 Are you doing the best that you can? And are you willing to keep trying to do

45:57 are you willing to keep trying to do

45:57 are you willing to keep trying to do better and to be better? And I'm not

45:59 better and to be better? And I'm not

45:59 better and to be better? And I'm not talking about any kind of way other

46:01 talking about any kind of way other

46:01 talking about any kind of way other people perceive you. I'm talking about

46:03 people perceive you. I'm talking about

46:04 people perceive you. I'm talking about in your own heart, your own head, and

46:06 in your own heart, your own head, and

46:06 in your own heart, your own head, and your own conscience. Because some of

46:09 your own conscience. Because some of

46:09 your own conscience. Because some of it's counterintuitive, right? If you're

46:11 it's counterintuitive, right? If you're

46:11 it's counterintuitive, right? If you're willing to do better and be better,

46:12 willing to do better and be better,

46:12 willing to do better and be better, sometimes that means giving less energy

46:16 sometimes that means giving less energy

46:16 sometimes that means giving less energy to some people who may love you and

46:18 to some people who may love you and

46:18 to some people who may love you and appreciate it, but you know, spending

46:21 appreciate it, but you know, spending

46:21 appreciate it, but you know, spending less energy in some places to allocate

46:23 less energy in some places to allocate

46:23 less energy in some places to allocate it to other places.

46:25 it to other places.

46:25 it to other places. Sometimes it means taking more time for

46:27 Sometimes it means taking more time for

46:27 Sometimes it means taking more time for yourself to work on yourself.

46:29 yourself to work on yourself.

46:29 yourself to work on yourself. Sometimes it means purposefully

46:32 Sometimes it means purposefully

46:32 Sometimes it means purposefully neglecting certain things to give

46:33 neglecting certain things to give

46:33 neglecting certain things to give yourself some more peace or some grace.

46:36 yourself some more peace or some grace.

46:36 yourself some more peace or some grace. Sometimes it means sacrificing some of

46:39 Sometimes it means sacrificing some of

46:39 Sometimes it means sacrificing some of your own self-pace or your self-grace to

46:42 your own self-pace or your self-grace to

46:42 your own self-pace or your self-grace to give more of yourself to other people

46:44 give more of yourself to other people

46:44 give more of yourself to other people who need it when they need it. Who might

46:46 who need it when they need it. Who might

46:46 who need it when they need it. Who might annoy you. We all have those people in

46:49 annoy you. We all have those people in

46:49 annoy you. We all have those people in our lives. You're like, uh, I don't want

46:51 our lives. You're like, uh, I don't want

46:52 our lives. You're like, uh, I don't want to call that person. It'll be so

46:53 to call that person. It'll be so

46:53 to call that person. It'll be so frustrating. It's like, and sometimes,

46:57 frustrating. It's like, and sometimes,

46:57 frustrating. It's like, and sometimes, no, you shouldn't be calling that

46:58 no, you shouldn't be calling that

46:58 no, you shouldn't be calling that person. you need to focus on the things

46:59 person. you need to focus on the things

46:59 person. you need to focus on the things you need to focus on. Sometimes you go,

47:01 you need to focus on. Sometimes you go,

47:01 you need to focus on. Sometimes you go, "No, my conscience is assailing me. I

47:05 "No, my conscience is assailing me. I

47:05 "No, my conscience is assailing me. I need to be there for that person no

47:06 need to be there for that person no

47:06 need to be there for that person no matter how hard it is." And I'm not

47:08 matter how hard it is." And I'm not

47:08 matter how hard it is." And I'm not referencing anything specific. It's just

47:10 referencing anything specific. It's just

47:10 referencing anything specific. It's just these are the thoughts.

47:13 these are the thoughts.

47:13 these are the thoughts. I've been thinking about this now for

47:16 I've been thinking about this now for

47:16 I've been thinking about this now for gez more than two weeks since I've left

47:19 gez more than two weeks since I've left

47:19 gez more than two weeks since I've left Florida.

47:21 Florida.

47:21 Florida. Part of that time I was trapped alone

47:23 Part of that time I was trapped alone

47:23 Part of that time I was trapped alone with myself in a hotel in Louisiana.

47:27 with myself in a hotel in Louisiana.

47:27 with myself in a hotel in Louisiana. part of the time alone in a car driving

47:29 part of the time alone in a car driving

47:29 part of the time alone in a car driving across West Texas or sitting in my

47:30 across West Texas or sitting in my

47:30 across West Texas or sitting in my little folding chair out in the desert

47:32 little folding chair out in the desert

47:32 little folding chair out in the desert to the last couple of days.

47:42 So, this is the the result.

47:42 So, this is the the result. This is a lot of this different stuff

47:44 This is a lot of this different stuff

47:44 This is a lot of this different stuff that I thought about and there's still

47:45 that I thought about and there's still

47:45 that I thought about and there's still more to think about along those lines

47:47 more to think about along those lines

47:47 more to think about along those lines over the next couple days cuz I need a

47:48 over the next couple days cuz I need a

47:48 over the next couple days cuz I need a couple days to rest. You might not see

47:49 couple days to rest. You might not see

47:50 couple days to rest. You might not see me for a couple days. I need a I need a

47:52 me for a couple days. I need a I need a

47:52 me for a couple days. I need a I need a little rest. Like physically I need to

47:53 little rest. Like physically I need to

47:53 little rest. Like physically I need to sleep and recover, wash my underwear,

47:55 sleep and recover, wash my underwear,

47:55 sleep and recover, wash my underwear, you know, but mentally, spiritually in

47:57 you know, but mentally, spiritually in

47:57 you know, but mentally, spiritually in my heart, heart heartly,

48:06 there's a lot of work to do still. And

48:06 there's a lot of work to do still. And so the vision quest

48:08 so the vision quest

48:08 so the vision quest may be ending today, but the quest for

48:11 may be ending today, but the quest for

48:11 may be ending today, but the quest for positivity

48:13 positivity

48:13 positivity has got to be taken up

48:15 has got to be taken up

48:15 has got to be taken up and keep on going.

48:23 Part of why it was hard, part of why

48:23 Part of why it was hard, part of why it's almost autopiloted or paused in a

48:25 it's almost autopiloted or paused in a

48:25 it's almost autopiloted or paused in a weird way is because I kept myself

48:28 weird way is because I kept myself

48:28 weird way is because I kept myself accountable really well in the early

48:30 accountable really well in the early

48:30 accountable really well in the early days of the quest because I had the

48:32 days of the quest because I had the

48:32 days of the quest because I had the sometimes while I had the unedited vlog

48:34 sometimes while I had the unedited vlog

48:34 sometimes while I had the unedited vlog and I could talk about it. I put it out

48:38 and I could talk about it. I put it out

48:38 and I could talk about it. I put it out in the universe and then it kind of held

48:39 in the universe and then it kind of held

48:39 in the universe and then it kind of held my own feet to the fire that way. It

48:42 my own feet to the fire that way. It

48:42 my own feet to the fire that way. It forced me to talk about it. So, I was

48:45 forced me to talk about it. So, I was

48:45 forced me to talk about it. So, I was thinking through it out loud. I'm a sort

48:46 thinking through it out loud. I'm a sort

48:46 thinking through it out loud. I'm a sort of think out loud person a lot of the

48:49 of think out loud person a lot of the

48:49 of think out loud person a lot of the times.

48:52 times.

48:52 times. It's exactly why I don't discuss

48:54 It's exactly why I don't discuss

48:54 It's exactly why I don't discuss politics or religion or anything like

48:55 politics or religion or anything like

48:55 politics or religion or anything like that cuz I'm a think out loud person.

48:57 that cuz I'm a think out loud person.

48:57 that cuz I'm a think out loud person. People like what? What do you mean? I'm

48:58 People like what? What do you mean? I'm

48:58 People like what? What do you mean? I'm thinking out loud here. And uh

49:02 thinking out loud here. And uh

49:02 thinking out loud here. And uh nobody was watching back then. Very few

49:04 nobody was watching back then. Very few

49:04 nobody was watching back then. Very few people were watching. Doubtless some of

49:05 people were watching. Doubtless some of

49:05 people were watching. Doubtless some of you were watching.

49:10 But as time went on and more and more

49:10 But as time went on and more and more people were watching the wacky

49:11 people were watching the wacky

49:11 people were watching the wacky adventures or this or that the other

49:12 adventures or this or that the other

49:12 adventures or this or that the other thing and the sometimes vlog and random

49:14 thing and the sometimes vlog and random

49:14 thing and the sometimes vlog and random land became kind of the same thing and

49:16 land became kind of the same thing and

49:16 land became kind of the same thing and merged together. Well, now the more you

49:18 merged together. Well, now the more you

49:18 merged together. Well, now the more you talk about yourself or what you're

49:19 talk about yourself or what you're

49:19 talk about yourself or what you're struggling with or what you're thinking,

49:21 struggling with or what you're thinking,

49:21 struggling with or what you're thinking, the more there are people out there who

49:22 the more there are people out there who

49:22 the more there are people out there who are just going to go, "Oh, you're just

49:23 are just going to go, "Oh, you're just

49:23 are just going to go, "Oh, you're just complaining." More it just sounds like

49:25 complaining." More it just sounds like

49:25 complaining." More it just sounds like complaining. Oh, this guy's complaining.

49:29 complaining. Oh, this guy's complaining.

49:29 complaining. Oh, this guy's complaining. And so, I just wouldn't talk about it

49:30 And so, I just wouldn't talk about it

49:30 And so, I just wouldn't talk about it anymore. I just, okay, well, if it's

49:33 anymore. I just, okay, well, if it's

49:33 anymore. I just, okay, well, if it's going to be interpreted that way, then

49:34 going to be interpreted that way, then

49:34 going to be interpreted that way, then I'll just keep it to myself. The problem

49:35 I'll just keep it to myself. The problem

49:35 I'll just keep it to myself. The problem was

49:37 was

49:37 was the more I kept it to myself, the less I

49:39 the more I kept it to myself, the less I

49:39 the more I kept it to myself, the less I thought about it. The less I thought

49:40 thought about it. The less I thought

49:40 thought about it. The less I thought about it, the less I did about it. And I

49:43 about it, the less I did about it. And I

49:43 about it, the less I did about it. And I just

49:47 completely forgot about it for the most

49:47 completely forgot about it for the most part. I mean, on rare occasions, I talk

49:49 part. I mean, on rare occasions, I talk

49:49 part. I mean, on rare occasions, I talk about it. Sometimes I do talk about it

49:51 about it. Sometimes I do talk about it

49:51 about it. Sometimes I do talk about it on the morning announcements, which is

49:52 on the morning announcements, which is

49:52 on the morning announcements, which is the adventurers club Patreon

49:56 the adventurers club Patreon

49:56 the adventurers club Patreon little vlogs I do,

50:00 little vlogs I do,

50:00 little vlogs I do, you know, cuz you're back with your

50:01 you know, cuz you're back with your

50:01 you know, cuz you're back with your Patreon folks and it's just a little bit

50:03 Patreon folks and it's just a little bit

50:03 Patreon folks and it's just a little bit more private anyway. or on the podcast

50:04 more private anyway. or on the podcast

50:04 more private anyway. or on the podcast that I do back there. But for the most

50:07 that I do back there. But for the most

50:07 that I do back there. But for the most part, anytime, even if I just mention

50:09 part, anytime, even if I just mention

50:09 part, anytime, even if I just mention something or try to share the struggle,

50:12 something or try to share the struggle,

50:12 something or try to share the struggle, it's like, oh, then you're gonna get all

50:13 it's like, oh, then you're gonna get all

50:13 it's like, oh, then you're gonna get all the people, yeah, just complaining. Quit

50:15 the people, yeah, just complaining. Quit

50:16 the people, yeah, just complaining. Quit whining. Quit your belly aching. As my

50:17 whining. Quit your belly aching. As my

50:18 whining. Quit your belly aching. As my dad would say when I was little, quit

50:19 dad would say when I was little, quit

50:19 dad would say when I was little, quit your belly aching.

50:22 your belly aching.

50:22 your belly aching. People are going to misinterpret you.

50:24 People are going to misinterpret you.

50:24 People are going to misinterpret you. And that's going to happen anyways, but

50:25 And that's going to happen anyways, but

50:25 And that's going to happen anyways, but people are going to deliberately

50:27 people are going to deliberately

50:27 people are going to deliberately misinterpret you and misrepresent you.

50:28 misinterpret you and misrepresent you.

50:28 misinterpret you and misrepresent you. So, you just end up keeping it to

50:29 So, you just end up keeping it to

50:29 So, you just end up keeping it to yourself. I kind of miss that about the

50:31 yourself. I kind of miss that about the

50:31 yourself. I kind of miss that about the old By the way, there's a big old stick

50:32 old By the way, there's a big old stick

50:32 old By the way, there's a big old stick in my shoe. I kind of missed that about

50:34 in my shoe. I kind of missed that about

50:34 in my shoe. I kind of missed that about the old days of YouTube before everybody

50:38 the old days of YouTube before everybody

50:38 the old days of YouTube before everybody looked at everything everyone uploads.

50:40 looked at everything everyone uploads.

50:40 looked at everything everyone uploads. That was so painful as some kind of

50:43 That was so painful as some kind of

50:43 That was so painful as some kind of trick or influencer thing or gimmick and

50:46 trick or influencer thing or gimmick and

50:46 trick or influencer thing or gimmick and you could really share from your heart

50:47 you could really share from your heart

50:47 you could really share from your heart and people understood that you were

50:48 and people understood that you were

50:48 and people understood that you were sharing from your heart.

50:51 sharing from your heart.

50:51 sharing from your heart. And uh not that I care what anybody else

50:53 And uh not that I care what anybody else

50:53 And uh not that I care what anybody else thinks of me. I really don't too. I beat

50:56 thinks of me. I really don't too. I beat

50:56 thinks of me. I really don't too. I beat myself up so much that it's very there

50:59 myself up so much that it's very there

50:59 myself up so much that it's very there are very few things that other people

51:01 are very few things that other people

51:01 are very few things that other people can say to ever hurt me unless I know

51:02 can say to ever hurt me unless I know

51:02 can say to ever hurt me unless I know them and they know me really well and I

51:05 them and they know me really well and I

51:05 them and they know me really well and I know they're right. However, Adam

51:08 know they're right. However, Adam

51:08 know they're right. However, Adam let a lot of that get to him

51:11 let a lot of that get to him

51:11 let a lot of that get to him often. There were times where he did not

51:13 often. There were times where he did not

51:13 often. There were times where he did not care and there were other times where it

51:16 care and there were other times where it

51:16 care and there were other times where it just went to his heart

51:19 just went to his heart

51:19 just went to his heart as there were people that just hated on

51:20 as there were people that just hated on

51:20 as there were people that just hated on him just obsessive I mean they're still

51:22 him just obsessive I mean they're still

51:22 him just obsessive I mean they're still doing it obsessively hated on him for

51:24 doing it obsessively hated on him for

51:24 doing it obsessively hated on him for just living his life the way that he

51:27 just living his life the way that he

51:27 just living his life the way that he wanted to

51:29 wanted to

51:29 wanted to or trying to work out how he was a bad

51:31 or trying to work out how he was a bad

51:31 or trying to work out how he was a bad guy or an evil guy and he wasn't he

51:33 guy or an evil guy and he wasn't he

51:33 guy or an evil guy and he wasn't he wasn't perfect he was a really generous

51:38 wasn't perfect he was a really generous

51:38 wasn't perfect he was a really generous kindhearted

51:40 kindhearted

51:40 kindhearted sweet person.

51:43 sweet person.

51:43 sweet person. He could be annoying in his own ways and

51:44 He could be annoying in his own ways and

51:44 He could be annoying in his own ways and there were things that he would do that

51:45 there were things that he would do that

51:45 there were things that he would do that be like really. But I'm saying overall

51:48 be like really. But I'm saying overall

51:48 be like really. But I'm saying overall one of the kindest, sweetest, certainly

51:51 one of the kindest, sweetest, certainly

51:51 one of the kindest, sweetest, certainly one of the most gentle people I've ever

51:54 one of the most gentle people I've ever

51:54 one of the most gentle people I've ever known. We're friends. Close close close

51:57 known. We're friends. Close close close

51:57 known. We're friends. Close close close close friends. Best friends at times for

52:00 close friends. Best friends at times for

52:00 close friends. Best friends at times for 15 years. He never ever raised his voice

52:04 15 years. He never ever raised his voice

52:04 15 years. He never ever raised his voice at me. We had one fight ever and it was

52:07 at me. We had one fight ever and it was

52:07 at me. We had one fight ever and it was about

52:09 about

52:09 about well better left unsaid right now. One

52:12 well better left unsaid right now. One

52:12 well better left unsaid right now. One fight ever that was a big long drawn out

52:15 fight ever that was a big long drawn out

52:15 fight ever that was a big long drawn out slow motion one and

52:19 slow motion one and

52:19 slow motion one and I kind of won that fight too.

52:25 But he never raised his voice. Never one

52:26 But he never raised his voice. Never one time raised his voice. And never even

52:28 time raised his voice. And never even

52:28 time raised his voice. And never even while we were having a slow burn

52:30 while we were having a slow burn

52:30 while we were having a slow burn disagreement about some big stuff.

52:33 disagreement about some big stuff.

52:33 disagreement about some big stuff. Never did that change the way he treated

52:35 Never did that change the way he treated

52:35 Never did that change the way he treated me. Never would that stop an invitation

52:37 me. Never would that stop an invitation

52:37 me. Never would that stop an invitation like, "Hey man, you want to go get Red

52:39 like, "Hey man, you want to go get Red

52:39 like, "Hey man, you want to go get Red Robin or you want to go to the park or

52:40 Robin or you want to go to the park or

52:40 Robin or you want to go to the park or to No. Always gentle and generous. Even

52:44 to No. Always gentle and generous. Even

52:44 to No. Always gentle and generous. Even when I was being cranky and

52:47 when I was being cranky and

52:47 when I was being cranky and reading him the riot act, one of the

52:50 reading him the riot act, one of the

52:50 reading him the riot act, one of the sweetest people ever and so

52:52 sweetest people ever and so

52:52 sweetest people ever and so misrepresented and misunderstood

52:55 misrepresented and misunderstood

52:55 misrepresented and misunderstood in good ways and bad ways.

52:58 in good ways and bad ways.

52:58 in good ways and bad ways. So people are going to misinterpret what

53:00 So people are going to misinterpret what

53:00 So people are going to misinterpret what you say no matter what you That's

53:01 you say no matter what you That's

53:01 you say no matter what you That's another thing I've been meditating on.

53:04 another thing I've been meditating on.

53:04 another thing I've been meditating on. And I normally don't care. I don't let

53:05 And I normally don't care. I don't let

53:05 And I normally don't care. I don't let it get in here. But I realized

53:09 it get in here. But I realized

53:09 it get in here. But I realized at some point I let that affect what was

53:12 at some point I let that affect what was

53:12 at some point I let that affect what was coming out of my mouth.

53:14 coming out of my mouth.

53:14 coming out of my mouth. I was like, "Oh, well that's just going

53:16 I was like, "Oh, well that's just going

53:16 I was like, "Oh, well that's just going to get twisted or whatever." So, I was

53:19 to get twisted or whatever." So, I was

53:19 to get twisted or whatever." So, I was just more quiet about it.

53:21 just more quiet about it.

53:21 just more quiet about it. And that doesn't mean that I'm going to

53:23 And that doesn't mean that I'm going to

53:23 And that doesn't mean that I'm going to be making videos like this every five

53:24 be making videos like this every five

53:24 be making videos like this every five minutes, but I have started to think

53:27 minutes, but I have started to think

53:27 minutes, but I have started to think about that like, well, that's not how I

53:28 about that like, well, that's not how I

53:28 about that like, well, that's not how I want to be.

53:31 want to be. Because, as I've said a few times

53:32 Because, as I've said a few times

53:32 Because, as I've said a few times lately, I don't make these

53:35 lately, I don't make these

53:35 lately, I don't make these well, this is a very atypical video, but

53:37 well, this is a very atypical video, but

53:38 well, this is a very atypical video, but I don't make anything that I do from my

53:39 I don't make anything that I do from my

53:39 I don't make anything that I do from my head as much as from the gut or my heart

53:41 head as much as from the gut or my heart

53:41 head as much as from the gut or my heart or whatever.

53:43 or whatever.

53:43 or whatever. You know,

53:46 You know,

53:46 You know, sincerity is still a big thing to me

53:48 sincerity is still a big thing to me

53:48 sincerity is still a big thing to me because sincerity makes it art and not

53:52 because sincerity makes it art and not

53:52 because sincerity makes it art and not just a product, right? So, it doesn't

53:55 just a product, right? So, it doesn't

53:55 just a product, right? So, it doesn't matter what you're showing. I could be

53:55 matter what you're showing. I could be

53:56 matter what you're showing. I could be showing a hotel room. It could I could

53:58 showing a hotel room. It could I could

53:58 showing a hotel room. It could I could be showing a hotel room somewhere that

53:59 be showing a hotel room somewhere that

53:59 be showing a hotel room somewhere that costs money and go, "This is the

54:00 costs money and go, "This is the

54:00 costs money and go, "This is the greatest hotel room ever." If I mean it

54:02 greatest hotel room ever." If I mean it

54:02 greatest hotel room ever." If I mean it and I'm sincere, I'm making art. If I'm

54:06 and I'm sincere, I'm making art. If I'm

54:06 and I'm sincere, I'm making art. If I'm not sincere and it's like, "Oh man, this

54:08 not sincere and it's like, "Oh man, this

54:08 not sincere and it's like, "Oh man, this place sucks, but I'm going to say it's

54:09 place sucks, but I'm going to say it's

54:09 place sucks, but I'm going to say it's good." Then it's not art. What is it?

54:11 good." Then it's not art. What is it?

54:11 good." Then it's not art. What is it? It's a commercial.

54:16 You can do a commercial and it be art at

54:16 You can do a commercial and it be art at the same time. You understand what I'm

54:17 the same time. You understand what I'm

54:17 the same time. You understand what I'm saying? That's how I feel about what I

54:20 saying? That's how I feel about what I

54:20 saying? That's how I feel about what I do, which is why I don't film a lot of

54:23 do, which is why I don't film a lot of

54:23 do, which is why I don't film a lot of things that would be easy bunts. Oh, I

54:25 things that would be easy bunts. Oh, I

54:25 things that would be easy bunts. Oh, I can get all the views in the world if I

54:27 can get all the views in the world if I

54:27 can get all the views in the world if I just film this or this or this or this.

54:29 just film this or this or this or this.

54:29 just film this or this or this or this. And I've always tried not to do that.

54:32 And I've always tried not to do that.

54:32 And I've always tried not to do that. Not so much because I think that's wrong

54:35 Not so much because I think that's wrong

54:35 Not so much because I think that's wrong or anything's wrong with it, but because

54:37 or anything's wrong with it, but because

54:37 or anything's wrong with it, but because for me, myself and my quest and from

54:39 for me, myself and my quest and from

54:39 for me, myself and my quest and from where I came from and where I'm trying

54:41 where I came from and where I'm trying

54:41 where I came from and where I'm trying to be in my own head and my own heart as

54:44 to be in my own head and my own heart as

54:44 to be in my own head and my own heart as a person. It's a way of keeping myself

54:46 a person. It's a way of keeping myself

54:46 a person. It's a way of keeping myself on the straight and narrow quest for

54:49 on the straight and narrow quest for

54:49 on the straight and narrow quest for positivity and not drifting back into

54:50 positivity and not drifting back into

54:50 positivity and not drifting back into the band days where it's like, "No, wear

54:52 the band days where it's like, "No, wear

54:52 the band days where it's like, "No, wear these type of clothes. Don't smile in

54:54 these type of clothes. Don't smile in

54:54 these type of clothes. Don't smile in the band picture. Nobody's gonna want to

54:56 the band picture. Nobody's gonna want to

54:56 the band picture. Nobody's gonna want to buy the album if we're smiling on the

54:57 buy the album if we're smiling on the

54:57 buy the album if we're smiling on the cover. Hey, we need to joke around less

54:59 cover. Hey, we need to joke around less

54:59 cover. Hey, we need to joke around less on stage. You need to stop being funny

55:01 on stage. You need to stop being funny

55:01 on stage. You need to stop being funny because that's not punk rock and people

55:02 because that's not punk rock and people

55:02 because that's not punk rock and people aren't going to take us seriously. And

55:04 aren't going to take us seriously. And

55:04 aren't going to take us seriously. And then you end up becoming somebody that

55:05 then you end up becoming somebody that

55:05 then you end up becoming somebody that you're not.

55:07 you're not.

55:07 you're not. And so I'd rather not I'd rather skip

55:09 And so I'd rather not I'd rather skip

55:09 And so I'd rather not I'd rather skip certain things, opening days or things

55:11 certain things, opening days or things

55:11 certain things, opening days or things closing days or certain parks or certain

55:12 closing days or certain parks or certain

55:12 closing days or certain parks or certain places or certain subjects. I'm just

55:14 places or certain subjects. I'm just

55:14 places or certain subjects. I'm just going to skip them because I'm not

55:16 going to skip them because I'm not

55:16 going to skip them because I'm not interested in that moment. It's not

55:17 interested in that moment. It's not

55:17 interested in that moment. It's not sincere.

55:24 And from now on, if I feel something on

55:24 And from now on, if I feel something on my heart or I feel like sharing, I'm

55:25 my heart or I feel like sharing, I'm

55:26 my heart or I feel like sharing, I'm just going to do it. Even if it's like,

55:27 just going to do it. Even if it's like,

55:27 just going to do it. Even if it's like, man, I've been pretty stressed out

55:28 man, I've been pretty stressed out

55:28 man, I've been pretty stressed out lately cuz I or just stop saying stuff

55:30 lately cuz I or just stop saying stuff

55:30 lately cuz I or just stop saying stuff like that or tried to because people

55:32 like that or tried to because people

55:32 like that or tried to because people will go, huh, some kind of trick.

55:35 will go, huh, some kind of trick.

55:35 will go, huh, some kind of trick. There's some kind of angle on this or

55:36 There's some kind of angle on this or

55:36 There's some kind of angle on this or something. No,

55:38 something. No,

55:38 something. No, if I'm sharing things about myself and

55:40 if I'm sharing things about myself and

55:40 if I'm sharing things about myself and about my life or about the quest for

55:42 about my life or about the quest for

55:42 about my life or about the quest for positivity, I can't share them without

55:44 positivity, I can't share them without

55:44 positivity, I can't share them without sharing, you know, what you're going

55:46 sharing, you know, what you're going

55:46 sharing, you know, what you're going through to a certain extent.

55:49 through to a certain extent.

55:49 through to a certain extent. Then then there's people who are going

55:51 Then then there's people who are going

55:51 Then then there's people who are going to think, "Ah, this guy's being

55:52 to think, "Ah, this guy's being

55:52 to think, "Ah, this guy's being preachy." That's happened to you in the

55:54 preachy." That's happened to you in the

55:54 preachy." That's happened to you in the past. He's being preachy. Look at this

55:56 past. He's being preachy. Look at this

55:56 past. He's being preachy. Look at this whole thing. Look at this whole talk.

55:57 whole thing. Look at this whole talk.

55:58 whole thing. Look at this whole talk. He's calculating. He's he's thinking of

56:00 He's calculating. He's he's thinking of

56:00 He's calculating. He's he's thinking of what to say to be preachy to us in some

56:01 what to say to be preachy to us in some

56:01 what to say to be preachy to us in some sneaky kind of way. It's never that

56:03 sneaky kind of way. It's never that

56:03 sneaky kind of way. It's never that either. The last thing I ever want to do

56:06 either. The last thing I ever want to do

56:06 either. The last thing I ever want to do ever is give

56:08 ever is give

56:08 ever is give is be responsible for what anybody else

56:10 is be responsible for what anybody else

56:10 is be responsible for what anybody else does or feels or thinks.

56:14 does or feels or thinks.

56:14 does or feels or thinks. But in my experience,

56:16 But in my experience,

56:16 But in my experience, I have learned a lot from people like

56:19 I have learned a lot from people like

56:19 I have learned a lot from people like Jay,

56:22 Jay,

56:22 Jay, just to use an example that I was just

56:23 just to use an example that I was just

56:23 just to use an example that I was just illustrating, opening up to me and

56:27 illustrating, opening up to me and

56:27 illustrating, opening up to me and sharing with me, you know, I watched my

56:30 sharing with me, you know, I watched my

56:30 sharing with me, you know, I watched my wife die in my arms.

56:34 wife die in my arms.

56:34 wife die in my arms. I set out on my quest. Here's what I've

56:37 I set out on my quest. Here's what I've

56:37 I set out on my quest. Here's what I've learned. Here's what I've seen. Here's

56:39 learned. Here's what I've seen. Here's

56:39 learned. Here's what I've seen. Here's what I found out. Here's what I can

56:40 what I found out. Here's what I can

56:40 what I found out. Here's what I can share with you. That is the stuff that

56:43 share with you. That is the stuff that

56:43 share with you. That is the stuff that means so

56:46 means so

56:46 means so much.

56:48 much.

56:48 much. I use this metaphor a lot talking about

56:49 I use this metaphor a lot talking about

56:50 I use this metaphor a lot talking about why it's kind of devastating that Adam's

56:51 why it's kind of devastating that Adam's

56:51 why it's kind of devastating that Adam's gone just from a YouTube perspective.

56:54 gone just from a YouTube perspective.

56:54 gone just from a YouTube perspective. There are many layers. Obviously, I'm I

56:56 There are many layers. Obviously, I'm I

56:56 There are many layers. Obviously, I'm I miss just talking to him. He's my

56:57 miss just talking to him. He's my

56:57 miss just talking to him. He's my friend. I miss telling him, "Dude, I'm

56:58 friend. I miss telling him, "Dude, I'm

56:58 friend. I miss telling him, "Dude, I'm in quartzite over here at the High Jolly

57:00 in quartzite over here at the High Jolly

57:00 in quartzite over here at the High Jolly Cemetery. Oh, dude. Hi. Say hi to High

57:03 Cemetery. Oh, dude. Hi. Say hi to High

57:03 Cemetery. Oh, dude. Hi. Say hi to High Jolly for me."

57:05 Jolly for me."

57:05 Jolly for me." But I use this metaphor or analogy a lot

57:07 But I use this metaphor or analogy a lot

57:07 But I use this metaphor or analogy a lot that it always felt like he was just

57:09 that it always felt like he was just

57:10 that it always felt like he was just that much more ahead of me on the path.

57:11 that much more ahead of me on the path.

57:11 that much more ahead of me on the path. You know, nine years older than me. He

57:13 You know, nine years older than me. He

57:13 You know, nine years older than me. He was,

57:15 was,

57:15 was, you know, he had started his YouTube

57:16 you know, he had started his YouTube

57:16 you know, he had started his YouTube channel like as a full-time thing. Uh

57:19 channel like as a full-time thing. Uh

57:19 channel like as a full-time thing. Uh two years, three years before me. He was

57:22 two years, three years before me. He was

57:22 two years, three years before me. He was always just that much that many more

57:23 always just that much that many more

57:23 always just that much that many more subscribers ahead, that many more

57:24 subscribers ahead, that many more

57:24 subscribers ahead, that many more everything. I had just that much farther

57:27 everything. I had just that much farther

57:27 everything. I had just that much farther down the path. So, it's like we're going

57:29 down the path. So, it's like we're going

57:29 down the path. So, it's like we're going through this forest together. But I

57:30 through this forest together. But I

57:30 through this forest together. But I always felt safe because there's someone

57:31 always felt safe because there's someone

57:31 always felt safe because there's someone ahead on the path to go, "Hey, watch out

57:33 ahead on the path to go, "Hey, watch out

57:33 ahead on the path to go, "Hey, watch out for the spiderw webs." All right,

57:34 for the spiderw webs." All right,

57:34 for the spiderw webs." All right, there's a log up here. Watch out, loose

57:36 there's a log up here. Watch out, loose

57:36 there's a log up here. Watch out, loose rocks.

57:38 rocks.

57:38 rocks. And now that person is gone.

57:44 And it meant so much. And it was so

57:44 And it meant so much. And it was so comforting because you know that

57:45 comforting because you know that

57:45 comforting because you know that person's ahead of you. That's what it's

57:47 person's ahead of you. That's what it's

57:47 person's ahead of you. That's what it's like when someone shares something like

57:48 like when someone shares something like

57:48 like when someone shares something like that, about their grief, about

57:51 that, about their grief, about

57:51 that, about their grief, about their experiences, the things they've

57:53 their experiences, the things they've

57:53 their experiences, the things they've gone through in life. I have learned

57:55 gone through in life. I have learned

57:55 gone through in life. I have learned more from people like Jay being

57:57 more from people like Jay being

57:57 more from people like Jay being openhearted and sharing things with me

58:00 openhearted and sharing things with me

58:00 openhearted and sharing things with me or people sitting there with something

58:02 or people sitting there with something

58:02 or people sitting there with something horrible happening to them telling me

58:05 horrible happening to them telling me

58:05 horrible happening to them telling me this sucks. This is what I'm going

58:06 this sucks. This is what I'm going

58:06 this sucks. This is what I'm going through than a million sermons or

58:12 through than a million sermons or

58:12 through than a million sermons or self-help self-help lectures or or books

58:15 self-help self-help lectures or or books

58:15 self-help self-help lectures or or books or something

58:18 or something

58:18 or something if that makes sense. And I know that the

58:21 if that makes sense. And I know that the

58:21 if that makes sense. And I know that the very small amount

58:24 very small amount

58:24 very small amount of good that I've ever done, this is the

58:26 of good that I've ever done, this is the

58:26 of good that I've ever done, this is the best I can do, folks. Sorry. If I could

58:28 best I can do, folks. Sorry. If I could

58:28 best I can do, folks. Sorry. If I could be a doctor or a

58:31 be a doctor or a

58:31 be a doctor or a lawyer

58:32 lawyer

58:32 lawyer or a medic or a

58:35 or a medic or a

58:35 or a medic or a firefighter, I would. But I can't. This

58:37 firefighter, I would. But I can't. This

58:37 firefighter, I would. But I can't. This is all I've got. But I happen to know

58:39 is all I've got. But I happen to know

58:39 is all I've got. But I happen to know that the tiny

58:42 that the tiny

58:42 that the tiny amount of good that I've ever done for

58:44 amount of good that I've ever done for

58:44 amount of good that I've ever done for other people because they come and tell

58:45 other people because they come and tell

58:45 other people because they come and tell me has always been

58:49 me has always been

58:49 me has always been when we've shared things from our lives

58:53 when we've shared things from our lives

58:53 when we've shared things from our lives or struggles that we're going through or

58:55 or struggles that we're going through or

58:55 or struggles that we're going through or how we're dealing with them. And I

58:57 how we're dealing with them. And I

58:57 how we're dealing with them. And I understand that because that's

59:00 understand that because that's

59:00 understand that because that's like the best stuff in my life or the

59:01 like the best stuff in my life or the

59:01 like the best stuff in my life or the best advice or the best like oh light

59:04 best advice or the best like oh light

59:04 best advice or the best like oh light bulb moments have always come from

59:05 bulb moments have always come from

59:06 bulb moments have always come from people sharing honestly and openly with

59:08 people sharing honestly and openly with

59:08 people sharing honestly and openly with me and seeing other people go through

59:10 me and seeing other people go through

59:10 me and seeing other people go through what they're going through always gives

59:11 what they're going through always gives

59:11 what they're going through always gives me well not always it depends how

59:13 me well not always it depends how

59:13 me well not always it depends how they're dealing with it but can

59:15 they're dealing with it but can

59:15 they're dealing with it but can encourage me or give me the strength to

59:17 encourage me or give me the strength to

59:17 encourage me or give me the strength to go okay okay similar to what I'm going I

59:20 go okay okay similar to what I'm going I

59:20 go okay okay similar to what I'm going I could I can deal with my situation

59:21 could I can deal with my situation

59:21 could I can deal with my situation because I see I'm not alone here you

59:23 because I see I'm not alone here you

59:23 because I see I'm not alone here you know just even that just I'm not alone

59:24 know just even that just I'm not alone

59:24 know just even that just I'm not alone I'm not the only person who feels feels

59:27 I'm not the only person who feels feels

59:27 I'm not the only person who feels feels washed up and useless sometimes or

59:28 washed up and useless sometimes or

59:28 washed up and useless sometimes or stressed out and going out of his mind

59:30 stressed out and going out of his mind

59:30 stressed out and going out of his mind sometimes or whatever.

59:35 So, I don't know in what form. I don't

59:35 So, I don't know in what form. I don't know in YouTube videos. I don't know any

59:37 know in YouTube videos. I don't know any

59:37 know in YouTube videos. I don't know any of that yet. I haven't really thought

59:38 of that yet. I haven't really thought

59:38 of that yet. I haven't really thought that through.

59:41 that through.

59:41 that through. But I know that in here

59:43 But I know that in here

59:43 But I know that in here and in here,

59:51 the vision that I have from this vision

59:51 the vision that I have from this vision quest is you've got to pick that quest

59:53 quest is you've got to pick that quest

59:53 quest is you've got to pick that quest for positivity back up.

59:56 for positivity back up.

59:56 for positivity back up. It's a silly name, I know.

1:00:03 I was I think I was walking around in

1:00:03 I was I think I was walking around in front of the Disneyland castle or

1:00:04 front of the Disneyland castle or

1:00:04 front of the Disneyland castle or something when I came up with it. I was

1:00:05 something when I came up with it. I was

1:00:05 something when I came up with it. I was just like, "Yeah, I got to go on a

1:00:06 just like, "Yeah, I got to go on a

1:00:06 just like, "Yeah, I got to go on a quest." And I couldn't think of it any

1:00:08 quest." And I couldn't think of it any

1:00:08 quest." And I couldn't think of it any kind of grandiose or deep sounding is a

1:00:11 kind of grandiose or deep sounding is a

1:00:11 kind of grandiose or deep sounding is a quest for positivity.

1:00:14 quest for positivity.

1:00:14 quest for positivity. But as silly as it sounds, that's

1:00:16 But as silly as it sounds, that's

1:00:16 But as silly as it sounds, that's something I have to pick back up for

1:00:17 something I have to pick back up for

1:00:17 something I have to pick back up for myself in a big

1:00:20 myself in a big

1:00:20 myself in a big big way. I can't control these

1:00:22 big way. I can't control these

1:00:22 big way. I can't control these circumstances. I can't bring Adam back

1:00:23 circumstances. I can't bring Adam back

1:00:23 circumstances. I can't bring Adam back or I would.

1:00:29 I can't control where I'm at at this

1:00:29 I can't control where I'm at at this moment in my life. I can't snap my

1:00:31 moment in my life. I can't snap my

1:00:31 moment in my life. I can't snap my fingers and change it or wish something

1:00:33 fingers and change it or wish something

1:00:33 fingers and change it or wish something else into existence. I wish I could wish

1:00:35 else into existence. I wish I could wish

1:00:35 else into existence. I wish I could wish away my feelings. I can't change those

1:00:38 away my feelings. I can't change those

1:00:38 away my feelings. I can't change those either right now. And not in this

1:00:40 either right now. And not in this

1:00:40 either right now. And not in this second. All I can do is sit here and go,

1:00:42 second. All I can do is sit here and go,

1:00:42 second. All I can do is sit here and go, "This sucks."

1:00:50 And then I have to get back up because

1:00:50 And then I have to get back up because here's what I can do.

1:00:52 here's what I can do.

1:00:52 here's what I can do. Look for the silver lining. Look for the

1:00:55 Look for the silver lining. Look for the

1:00:55 Look for the silver lining. Look for the hope. And if I can't find that, then the

1:00:58 hope. And if I can't find that, then the

1:00:58 hope. And if I can't find that, then the fall back, the last thing that I can

1:01:00 fall back, the last thing that I can

1:01:00 fall back, the last thing that I can always do is go look it. I'm blinking.

1:01:02 always do is go look it. I'm blinking.

1:01:02 always do is go look it. I'm blinking. My eyes are open. I'm standing out here

1:01:05 My eyes are open. I'm standing out here

1:01:05 My eyes are open. I'm standing out here in the sun. I'm breathing.

1:01:08 in the sun. I'm breathing.

1:01:08 in the sun. I'm breathing. I may have some health issues. I

1:01:10 I may have some health issues. I

1:01:10 I may have some health issues. I breathing so freely sometimes, but I'm

1:01:12 breathing so freely sometimes, but I'm

1:01:12 breathing so freely sometimes, but I'm breathing. I'm alive. I'm here. There

1:01:15 breathing. I'm alive. I'm here. There

1:01:15 breathing. I'm alive. I'm here. There are people in my life to love. And even

1:01:16 are people in my life to love. And even

1:01:16 are people in my life to love. And even when there weren't people in my life to

1:01:19 when there weren't people in my life to

1:01:19 when there weren't people in my life to love, there was always the hope. I

1:01:21 love, there was always the hope. I

1:01:21 love, there was always the hope. I remember these just horrible dark times.

1:01:23 remember these just horrible dark times.

1:01:23 remember these just horrible dark times. I'll never love again. It's horrible.

1:01:25 I'll never love again. It's horrible.

1:01:25 I'll never love again. It's horrible. The world will be better off my son.

1:01:26 The world will be better off my son.

1:01:26 The world will be better off my son. Everyone would be better off if I just

1:01:28 Everyone would be better off if I just

1:01:28 Everyone would be better off if I just closed my eyes and was under the ground.

1:01:32 closed my eyes and was under the ground.

1:01:32 closed my eyes and was under the ground. But even then, I just held on to this

1:01:33 But even then, I just held on to this

1:01:33 But even then, I just held on to this small what felt like a vain hope that

1:01:37 small what felt like a vain hope that

1:01:37 small what felt like a vain hope that you know what, there will be people to

1:01:39 you know what, there will be people to

1:01:39 you know what, there will be people to love. That if I work on myself, there

1:01:40 love. That if I work on myself, there

1:01:40 love. That if I work on myself, there will be people to love and I'll be able

1:01:42 will be people to love and I'll be able

1:01:42 will be people to love and I'll be able to do something for somebody else

1:01:43 to do something for somebody else

1:01:43 to do something for somebody else someday that will matter. And that's

1:01:45 someday that will matter. And that's

1:01:45 someday that will matter. And that's happened.

1:01:50 So none of this is advice. This is all

1:01:50 So none of this is advice. This is all just me talking out loud. Uh because I

1:01:53 just me talking out loud. Uh because I

1:01:53 just me talking out loud. Uh because I feel like I owe it to you because we've

1:01:55 feel like I owe it to you because we've

1:01:55 feel like I owe it to you because we've come on this vision quest together, but

1:01:57 come on this vision quest together, but

1:01:57 come on this vision quest together, but I've kept most of the visioning and the

1:01:59 I've kept most of the visioning and the

1:01:59 I've kept most of the visioning and the questing to myself, processing and

1:02:02 questing to myself, processing and

1:02:02 questing to myself, processing and stuff.

1:02:04 stuff. So, this is where I'm at. This is what

1:02:05 So, this is where I'm at. This is what

1:02:05 So, this is where I'm at. This is what I'm thinking.

1:02:12 People always say, "Don't give up."

1:02:12 People always say, "Don't give up." Never give up. And they say it about the

1:02:15 Never give up. And they say it about the

1:02:15 Never give up. And they say it about the dumbest things sometimes because we're

1:02:17 dumbest things sometimes because we're

1:02:17 dumbest things sometimes because we're all taught that this is this great

1:02:18 all taught that this is this great

1:02:18 all taught that this is this great important phrase that you're supposed to

1:02:19 important phrase that you're supposed to

1:02:19 important phrase that you're supposed to say. Don't give up. Never give up. Never

1:02:21 say. Don't give up. Never give up. Never

1:02:21 say. Don't give up. Never give up. Never give up on your dreams. Never give up on

1:02:23 give up on your dreams. Never give up on

1:02:23 give up on your dreams. Never give up on being a painter. Well, what if you're a

1:02:24 being a painter. Well, what if you're a

1:02:24 being a painter. Well, what if you're a lousy painter? Never give up on being a

1:02:26 lousy painter? Never give up on being a

1:02:26 lousy painter? Never give up on being a professional pianist. Well, what if

1:02:28 professional pianist. Well, what if

1:02:28 professional pianist. Well, what if you're a lousy piano player and you're

1:02:30 you're a lousy piano player and you're

1:02:30 you're a lousy piano player and you're tonedeaf?

1:02:32 tonedeaf?

1:02:32 tonedeaf? Maybe you should give up on the dream of

1:02:33 Maybe you should give up on the dream of

1:02:33 Maybe you should give up on the dream of being a professional piano player.

1:02:35 being a professional piano player.

1:02:35 being a professional piano player. Doesn't mean you have to give up on your

1:02:36 Doesn't mean you have to give up on your

1:02:36 Doesn't mean you have to give up on your passion or doing the thing that you

1:02:37 passion or doing the thing that you

1:02:37 passion or doing the thing that you love.

1:02:40 love.

1:02:40 love. So, I don't know if never give up is

1:02:43 So, I don't know if never give up is

1:02:43 So, I don't know if never give up is always good advice depending on the

1:02:45 always good advice depending on the

1:02:45 always good advice depending on the context.

1:02:47 context.

1:02:47 context. But when it comes to hope,

1:02:50 But when it comes to hope,

1:02:50 But when it comes to hope, when it comes to being better, when it

1:02:53 when it comes to being better, when it

1:02:53 when it comes to being better, when it comes to getting stronger, when it comes

1:02:55 comes to getting stronger, when it comes

1:02:55 comes to getting stronger, when it comes to

1:03:01 love

1:03:01 love or hoping that you find someone to love

1:03:03 or hoping that you find someone to love

1:03:03 or hoping that you find someone to love or hoping to find that understanding or

1:03:05 or hoping to find that understanding or

1:03:05 or hoping to find that understanding or that connection with people or hoping to

1:03:07 that connection with people or hoping to

1:03:07 that connection with people or hoping to do something for others,

1:03:26 That's the best advice in the world.

1:03:26 That's the best advice in the world. Never, never, never give up hope and

1:03:30 Never, never, never give up hope and

1:03:30 Never, never, never give up hope and never, never give up gratefulness

1:03:35 never, never give up gratefulness

1:03:35 never, never give up gratefulness cuz it's not over till you're

1:03:37 cuz it's not over till you're

1:03:37 cuz it's not over till you're underground.

1:03:46 And you never know what little thing

1:03:46 And you never know what little thing can change somebody else's life for the

1:03:48 can change somebody else's life for the

1:03:48 can change somebody else's life for the better.

1:03:50 better.

1:03:50 better. Even if you're the loneliest person in

1:03:51 Even if you're the loneliest person in

1:03:51 Even if you're the loneliest person in the world, you have no one to talk to,

1:03:53 the world, you have no one to talk to,

1:03:53 the world, you have no one to talk to, you're the most miserable person ever,

1:03:54 you're the most miserable person ever,

1:03:54 you're the most miserable person ever, and you're in a store and you smile at

1:03:56 and you're in a store and you smile at

1:03:56 and you're in a store and you smile at the right person, that person might have

1:03:58 the right person, that person might have

1:03:58 the right person, that person might have been on their way to go and

1:04:00 been on their way to go and

1:04:00 been on their way to go and and you know, destroy themsel

1:04:02 and you know, destroy themsel

1:04:02 and you know, destroy themsel voluntarily end up here. You don't know

1:04:05 voluntarily end up here. You don't know

1:04:05 voluntarily end up here. You don't know what a kind word, kind comment, a kind

1:04:09 what a kind word, kind comment, a kind

1:04:09 what a kind word, kind comment, a kind smile can do.

1:04:17 You just don't know

1:04:17 You just don't know on the amount of kind things that people

1:04:19 on the amount of kind things that people

1:04:19 on the amount of kind things that people have said to me and done. Some of which

1:04:21 have said to me and done. Some of which

1:04:21 have said to me and done. Some of which are just bouncing off because I'm just

1:04:22 are just bouncing off because I'm just

1:04:22 are just bouncing off because I'm just in grief and sometimes I just get over

1:04:25 in grief and sometimes I just get over

1:04:25 in grief and sometimes I just get over stimulated. I can't read all every

1:04:26 stimulated. I can't read all every

1:04:26 stimulated. I can't read all every comment or really absorb every phone

1:04:29 comment or really absorb every phone

1:04:29 comment or really absorb every phone call or anything, right? Which part of

1:04:31 call or anything, right? Which part of

1:04:31 call or anything, right? Which part of why I wanted to be alone just

1:04:34 why I wanted to be alone just

1:04:34 why I wanted to be alone just the amount of kindness

1:04:38 the amount of kindness

1:04:38 the amount of kindness that people have been showing me.

1:04:39 that people have been showing me.

1:04:39 that people have been showing me. There's some rudess too, but I don't

1:04:41 There's some rudess too, but I don't

1:04:41 There's some rudess too, but I don't care about that. The amount of kindness

1:04:42 care about that. The amount of kindness

1:04:42 care about that. The amount of kindness that people have shown, people gone out

1:04:44 that people have shown, people gone out

1:04:44 that people have shown, people gone out of their way to leave those nice

1:04:45 of their way to leave those nice

1:04:45 of their way to leave those nice comments and stuff, even knowing that I

1:04:47 comments and stuff, even knowing that I

1:04:47 comments and stuff, even knowing that I might not read them or I might not reply

1:04:49 might not read them or I might not reply

1:04:49 might not read them or I might not reply or something like that has reminded me

1:05:06 to

1:05:06 to get your heart in a good place and then

1:05:08 get your heart in a good place and then

1:05:08 get your heart in a good place and then give things from that heart. Even if

1:05:10 give things from that heart. Even if

1:05:10 give things from that heart. Even if it's just hello, even if it's just a

1:05:12 it's just hello, even if it's just a

1:05:12 it's just hello, even if it's just a smile, a little comment, whatever it is,

1:05:16 smile, a little comment, whatever it is,

1:05:16 smile, a little comment, whatever it is, a little heart on someone's picture so

1:05:18 a little heart on someone's picture so

1:05:18 a little heart on someone's picture so they feel appreciated. Whatever it is,

1:05:20 they feel appreciated. Whatever it is,

1:05:20 they feel appreciated. Whatever it is, whatever you can do

1:05:31 kindness for yourself. That's something

1:05:31 kindness for yourself. That's something I don't often show myself. And so, I

1:05:33 I don't often show myself. And so, I

1:05:33 I don't often show myself. And so, I don't know about the whole love yourself

1:05:35 don't know about the whole love yourself

1:05:35 don't know about the whole love yourself thing. Like I was saying, the worst

1:05:37 thing. Like I was saying, the worst

1:05:37 thing. Like I was saying, the worst people I know love themselves the most.

1:05:41 people I know love themselves the most.

1:05:41 people I know love themselves the most. But very early on in this,

1:05:44 But very early on in this,

1:05:44 But very early on in this, one of Adam's friends, who maybe doesn't

1:05:47 one of Adam's friends, who maybe doesn't

1:05:47 one of Adam's friends, who maybe doesn't want to be mentioned, so I won't mention

1:05:48 want to be mentioned, so I won't mention

1:05:48 want to be mentioned, so I won't mention their famous name, reached out and said,

1:05:50 their famous name, reached out and said,

1:05:50 their famous name, reached out and said, "Be gentle to yourself." What? That just

1:05:55 "Be gentle to yourself." What? That just

1:05:56 "Be gentle to yourself." What? That just passed over me at the time.

1:05:59 passed over me at the time.

1:05:59 passed over me at the time. But I hit different parts of grief and

1:06:01 But I hit different parts of grief and

1:06:01 But I hit different parts of grief and regret and

1:06:07 remorse

1:06:07 remorse mostly for things I didn't do right

1:06:11 mostly for things I didn't do right

1:06:11 mostly for things I didn't do right taking for granted and all the things I

1:06:13 taking for granted and all the things I

1:06:13 taking for granted and all the things I was talking about.

1:06:14 was talking about.

1:06:14 was talking about. I started going into that thing where I

1:06:16 I started going into that thing where I

1:06:16 I started going into that thing where I just beat myself up. Think of every

1:06:19 just beat myself up. Think of every

1:06:19 just beat myself up. Think of every missed opportunity and everything. Every

1:06:21 missed opportunity and everything. Every

1:06:21 missed opportunity and everything. Every time that I was lazy and didn't want to

1:06:23 time that I was lazy and didn't want to

1:06:23 time that I was lazy and didn't want to get up at 6:00 in the morning to get

1:06:24 get up at 6:00 in the morning to get

1:06:24 get up at 6:00 in the morning to get coffee with them and go on some

1:06:26 coffee with them and go on some

1:06:26 coffee with them and go on some adventure by too late. already off and

1:06:27 adventure by too late. already off and

1:06:27 adventure by too late. already off and doing whatever.

1:06:30 doing whatever.

1:06:30 doing whatever. And I've thought about those words a

1:06:33 And I've thought about those words a

1:06:33 And I've thought about those words a lot.

1:06:35 lot.

1:06:35 lot. Be gentle to yourself.

1:06:38 Be gentle to yourself.

1:06:38 Be gentle to yourself. And I'm not I never am.

1:06:45 So, there's one more thing to learn and

1:06:45 So, there's one more thing to learn and to try to do

1:06:48 to try to do

1:06:48 to try to do on the quest for positivity.

1:06:50 on the quest for positivity.

1:06:50 on the quest for positivity. So, the vision quest ends.

1:06:53 So, the vision quest ends.

1:06:53 So, the vision quest ends. It did not bring back my friend. It did

1:06:55 It did not bring back my friend. It did

1:06:55 It did not bring back my friend. It did not make me less sad.

1:07:05 It brought me a little more control over

1:07:05 It brought me a little more control over how I show that on the outside

1:07:07 how I show that on the outside

1:07:07 how I show that on the outside sometimes, which is good because then at

1:07:08 sometimes, which is good because then at

1:07:08 sometimes, which is good because then at least I can get through things like

1:07:10 least I can get through things like

1:07:10 least I can get through things like going and buying something from Walmart

1:07:11 going and buying something from Walmart

1:07:11 going and buying something from Walmart or whatever or getting gas without

1:07:13 or whatever or getting gas without

1:07:13 or whatever or getting gas without crying at the gas pump.

1:07:19 I cannot change the past. I cannot

1:07:19 I cannot change the past. I cannot change the circumstances. All I can do

1:07:29 h is control the way I react to them.

1:07:29 h is control the way I react to them. And I can't I can't even control that at

1:07:31 And I can't I can't even control that at

1:07:31 And I can't I can't even control that at first. It takes work. But if you get up

1:07:33 first. It takes work. But if you get up

1:07:33 first. It takes work. But if you get up and you try very hard, maybe you can

1:07:36 and you try very hard, maybe you can

1:07:36 and you try very hard, maybe you can control the way you react.

1:07:39 control the way you react.

1:07:39 control the way you react. And sometimes the way you react, you

1:07:42 And sometimes the way you react, you

1:07:42 And sometimes the way you react, you have to work really hard to react in a

1:07:43 have to work really hard to react in a

1:07:44 have to work really hard to react in a positive way. And it might not even

1:07:45 positive way. And it might not even

1:07:45 positive way. And it might not even ultimately pay off for you in any kind

1:07:46 ultimately pay off for you in any kind

1:07:46 ultimately pay off for you in any kind of way, but it's going to pay off for

1:07:48 of way, but it's going to pay off for

1:07:48 of way, but it's going to pay off for everybody else that has to put up with

1:07:50 everybody else that has to put up with

1:07:50 everybody else that has to put up with you. Giving them the best of you and not

1:07:54 you. Giving them the best of you and not

1:07:54 you. Giving them the best of you and not the worst. Okay, I've talked for way too

1:07:57 the worst. Okay, I've talked for way too

1:07:57 the worst. Okay, I've talked for way too long. I still have a lot of this to

1:07:59 long. I still have a lot of this to

1:07:59 long. I still have a lot of this to think about and a lot of this to work

1:08:01 think about and a lot of this to work

1:08:01 think about and a lot of this to work out. But before I cross that border and

1:08:03 out. But before I cross that border and

1:08:03 out. But before I cross that border and go home and sleep well,

1:08:07 go home and sleep well,

1:08:07 go home and sleep well, I wanted to

1:08:10 I wanted to

1:08:10 I wanted to think aloud with you.

1:08:13 think aloud with you.

1:08:13 think aloud with you. stroll around in the very dirty dirt.

1:08:15 stroll around in the very dirty dirt.

1:08:15 stroll around in the very dirty dirt. Getting thorns in my feet together with

1:08:17 Getting thorns in my feet together with

1:08:17 Getting thorns in my feet together with you.

1:08:23 I'm starting to see a vision, too. Not

1:08:23 I'm starting to see a vision, too. Not just for

1:08:25 just for

1:08:25 just for my heart and my head, which I think is

1:08:28 my heart and my head, which I think is

1:08:28 my heart and my head, which I think is the most important thing and the thing

1:08:30 the most important thing and the thing

1:08:30 the most important thing and the thing that I can control the most in the short

1:08:32 that I can control the most in the short

1:08:32 that I can control the most in the short term or do do the most work towards. I'm

1:08:35 term or do do the most work towards. I'm

1:08:35 term or do do the most work towards. I'm also starting to try to put together a

1:08:37 also starting to try to put together a

1:08:37 also starting to try to put together a vision of like what do I want my not

1:08:39 vision of like what do I want my not

1:08:39 vision of like what do I want my not that I have much control over this but

1:08:40 that I have much control over this but

1:08:40 that I have much control over this but what do I want my life to look like

1:08:52 and I don't see the way from where I am

1:08:52 and I don't see the way from where I am now to where I'd like to be. I don't see

1:08:54 now to where I'd like to be. I don't see

1:08:54 now to where I'd like to be. I don't see that path yet. But I realized I have

1:08:58 that path yet. But I realized I have

1:08:58 that path yet. But I realized I have spent so much time in my life going well

1:09:02 spent so much time in my life going well

1:09:02 spent so much time in my life going well you know that's as big as Random Land

1:09:03 you know that's as big as Random Land

1:09:03 you know that's as big as Random Land gets. that says,

1:09:06 gets. that says,

1:09:06 gets. that says, you know, I'll never I'm never going to

1:09:08 you know, I'll never I'm never going to

1:09:08 you know, I'll never I'm never going to own a house. I live in Southern

1:09:09 own a house. I live in Southern

1:09:09 own a house. I live in Southern California. Houses cost over a million.

1:09:11 California. Houses cost over a million.

1:09:11 California. Houses cost over a million. I'm never going to own one, so I don't

1:09:12 I'm never going to own one, so I don't

1:09:12 I'm never going to own one, so I don't make that much money.

1:09:14 make that much money.

1:09:14 make that much money. Well, I'm probably never going to do

1:09:16 Well, I'm probably never going to do

1:09:16 Well, I'm probably never going to do this. Well, I'm probably never going to

1:09:17 this. Well, I'm probably never going to

1:09:17 this. Well, I'm probably never going to do that.

1:09:20 do that.

1:09:20 do that. I realize I've let cynicism creep back

1:09:23 I realize I've let cynicism creep back

1:09:23 I realize I've let cynicism creep back in accidentally.

1:09:28 And maybe those things aren't true, and

1:09:28 And maybe those things aren't true, and you got to be okay with that. So, it's

1:09:29 you got to be okay with that. So, it's

1:09:29 you got to be okay with that. So, it's not always bad to say that or have that

1:09:31 not always bad to say that or have that

1:09:31 not always bad to say that or have that discussion with yourself. But I've

1:09:32 discussion with yourself. But I've

1:09:32 discussion with yourself. But I've realized I've let it become an absolute

1:09:35 realized I've let it become an absolute

1:09:35 realized I've let it become an absolute and not just an expression. Yeah, I'll

1:09:36 and not just an expression. Yeah, I'll

1:09:36 and not just an expression. Yeah, I'll probably never own a house in California

1:09:37 probably never own a house in California

1:09:37 probably never own a house in California or whatever. I not that I believe in

1:09:39 or whatever. I not that I believe in

1:09:40 or whatever. I not that I believe in like the secret or like manifesting.

1:09:42 like the secret or like manifesting.

1:09:42 like the secret or like manifesting. Don't ever say that you'll never

1:09:43 Don't ever say that you'll never

1:09:43 Don't ever say that you'll never manifest it. Not in that kind of a way.

1:09:45 manifest it. Not in that kind of a way.

1:09:45 manifest it. Not in that kind of a way. But I realize I have actually turned a

1:09:47 But I realize I have actually turned a

1:09:47 But I realize I have actually turned a lot of those things that a lot of the

1:09:48 lot of those things that a lot of the

1:09:48 lot of those things that a lot of the things that I want out of life or that

1:09:50 things that I want out of life or that

1:09:50 things that I want out of life or that I'd like to be at mostly to take care of

1:09:51 I'd like to be at mostly to take care of

1:09:52 I'd like to be at mostly to take care of my family honestly or to have more kids

1:09:53 my family honestly or to have more kids

1:09:53 my family honestly or to have more kids or whatever whatever it's like in my

1:09:55 or whatever whatever it's like in my

1:09:55 or whatever whatever it's like in my head I've just kind of closed the door

1:09:56 head I've just kind of closed the door

1:09:56 head I've just kind of closed the door off to certain things because I thought

1:09:58 off to certain things because I thought

1:09:58 off to certain things because I thought well I'm not going to be able to afford

1:09:59 well I'm not going to be able to afford

1:09:59 well I'm not going to be able to afford that or I'm not going to be able to do

1:10:00 that or I'm not going to be able to do

1:10:00 that or I'm not going to be able to do that and like why am I taking that for

1:10:03 that and like why am I taking that for

1:10:03 that and like why am I taking that for granted too and so I'm also trying to

1:10:06 granted too and so I'm also trying to

1:10:06 granted too and so I'm also trying to build that. So, that part of the vision

1:10:07 build that. So, that part of the vision

1:10:07 build that. So, that part of the vision quest still continues because I've

1:10:09 quest still continues because I've

1:10:09 quest still continues because I've thought a lot about it and I feel like I

1:10:11 thought a lot about it and I feel like I

1:10:11 thought a lot about it and I feel like I have a much stronger vision of where I'd

1:10:13 have a much stronger vision of where I'd

1:10:13 have a much stronger vision of where I'd like to be versus where I'm at. I have

1:10:16 like to be versus where I'm at. I have

1:10:16 like to be versus where I'm at. I have no idea how to bridge the two. But

1:10:19 no idea how to bridge the two. But

1:10:19 no idea how to bridge the two. But here's the thing. I've stopped looking

1:10:21 here's the thing. I've stopped looking

1:10:21 here's the thing. I've stopped looking for bridges.

1:10:24 for bridges.

1:10:24 for bridges. That I think is wrong, too.

1:10:27 That I think is wrong, too.

1:10:27 That I think is wrong, too. I think that's another form of neglect

1:10:31 I think that's another form of neglect

1:10:31 I think that's another form of neglect and a kind of another form of self-hate

1:10:33 and a kind of another form of self-hate

1:10:33 and a kind of another form of self-hate and not being gentle with yourself.

1:10:35 and not being gentle with yourself.

1:10:35 and not being gentle with yourself. Nope, that's never going to happen. So,

1:10:36 Nope, that's never going to happen. So,

1:10:36 Nope, that's never going to happen. So, just forget about it instead of well,

1:10:39 just forget about it instead of well,

1:10:39 just forget about it instead of well, probably not going to happen and I'll be

1:10:41 probably not going to happen and I'll be

1:10:41 probably not going to happen and I'll be okay if it doesn't happen, but I'm going

1:10:43 okay if it doesn't happen, but I'm going

1:10:43 okay if it doesn't happen, but I'm going to keep my eyes open

1:10:45 to keep my eyes open

1:10:46 to keep my eyes open and look for the bridges.

1:10:52 So, I'm on the quest for positivity

1:10:52 So, I'm on the quest for positivity again now and I'm on the quest for

1:10:54 again now and I'm on the quest for

1:10:54 again now and I'm on the quest for bridges.

1:10:57 bridges.

1:10:57 bridges. I'm also honestly very cranky,

1:11:00 I'm also honestly very cranky,

1:11:00 I'm also honestly very cranky, very irritable. I'm just a weird part of

1:11:03 very irritable. I'm just a weird part of

1:11:03 very irritable. I'm just a weird part of the grief. I think a lot of that has to

1:11:04 the grief. I think a lot of that has to

1:11:04 the grief. I think a lot of that has to do with being tired and going thousands

1:11:07 do with being tired and going thousands

1:11:07 do with being tired and going thousands and thousands of miles across the

1:11:08 and thousands of miles across the

1:11:08 and thousands of miles across the country without really ever getting one

1:11:10 country without really ever getting one

1:11:10 country without really ever getting one eight hour sleep.

1:11:13 eight hour sleep.

1:11:13 eight hour sleep. And so I truly

1:11:15 And so I truly

1:11:15 And so I truly think vision quest wise I have done my

1:11:17 think vision quest wise I have done my

1:11:17 think vision quest wise I have done my duty now. I've done all I can do out

1:11:19 duty now. I've done all I can do out

1:11:19 duty now. I've done all I can do out here and it is now actually time for me

1:11:23 here and it is now actually time for me

1:11:23 here and it is now actually time for me to go home and

1:11:26 to go home and

1:11:26 to go home and sleep. Well, before I go, I will show

1:11:28 sleep. Well, before I go, I will show

1:11:28 sleep. Well, before I go, I will show you this. The high jolly monument. He

1:11:30 you this. The high jolly monument. He

1:11:30 you this. The high jolly monument. He was a Syrian-born Greek fella who came

1:11:34 was a Syrian-born Greek fella who came

1:11:34 was a Syrian-born Greek fella who came out here and served the US Army when

1:11:36 out here and served the US Army when

1:11:36 out here and served the US Army when they were trying to use camels out here

1:11:39 they were trying to use camels out here

1:11:39 they were trying to use camels out here in the southwestern deserts.

1:11:42 in the southwestern deserts.

1:11:42 in the southwestern deserts. And uh when they wrapped that up because

1:11:44 And uh when they wrapped that up because

1:11:44 And uh when they wrapped that up because the Civil War started, he came back out

1:11:45 the Civil War started, he came back out

1:11:45 the Civil War started, he came back out here to courtsite of all places and just

1:11:48 here to courtsite of all places and just

1:11:48 here to courtsite of all places and just made friends with everyone. He was

1:11:50 made friends with everyone. He was

1:11:50 made friends with everyone. He was mining and prospecting and doing all

1:11:51 mining and prospecting and doing all

1:11:51 mining and prospecting and doing all kinds of stuff out here. and he was just

1:11:53 kinds of stuff out here. and he was just

1:11:53 kinds of stuff out here. and he was just so beloved that the town's folk buried

1:11:57 so beloved that the town's folk buried

1:11:57 so beloved that the town's folk buried him here, built him this pyramid-shaped

1:11:59 him here, built him this pyramid-shaped

1:11:59 him here, built him this pyramid-shaped monument with the camel on top of it. So

1:12:02 monument with the camel on top of it. So

1:12:02 monument with the camel on top of it. So clearly he enjoyed talking about and was

1:12:03 clearly he enjoyed talking about and was

1:12:04 clearly he enjoyed talking about and was very proud of his work with the camel

1:12:05 very proud of his work with the camel

1:12:05 very proud of his work with the camel corps and they even named the town

1:12:08 corps and they even named the town

1:12:08 corps and they even named the town cemetery after him. So we we've been

1:12:11 cemetery after him. So we we've been

1:12:11 cemetery after him. So we we've been walking through the high jolly cemetery.

1:12:14 walking through the high jolly cemetery.

1:12:14 walking through the high jolly cemetery. That's what I'm talking about. I would

1:12:16 That's what I'm talking about. I would

1:12:16 That's what I'm talking about. I would love to be someone like that. This is

1:12:19 love to be someone like that. This is

1:12:19 love to be someone like that. This is accidentally

1:12:21 accidentally

1:12:21 accidentally coming together here. This was not

1:12:22 coming together here. This was not

1:12:22 coming together here. This was not intentional, but I just that just dawned

1:12:25 intentional, but I just that just dawned

1:12:25 intentional, but I just that just dawned on me. That's that kind of person that

1:12:26 on me. That's that kind of person that

1:12:26 on me. That's that kind of person that walked into it, made everybody happier,

1:12:28 walked into it, made everybody happier,

1:12:28 walked into it, made everybody happier, that people remembered long after he was

1:12:29 that people remembered long after he was

1:12:29 that people remembered long after he was gone, and clearly felt like their lives

1:12:33 gone, and clearly felt like their lives

1:12:33 gone, and clearly felt like their lives were better for that guy being around,

1:12:35 were better for that guy being around,

1:12:35 were better for that guy being around, being in their town, saying hello, being

1:12:37 being in their town, saying hello, being

1:12:37 being in their town, saying hello, being part of their lives, appreciated,

1:12:39 part of their lives, appreciated,

1:12:39 part of their lives, appreciated, respected, and remembered.

1:12:43 respected, and remembered.

1:12:43 respected, and remembered. Now, maybe I or we will never get

1:12:45 Now, maybe I or we will never get

1:12:45 Now, maybe I or we will never get appreciated, respected, or remembered.

1:12:46 appreciated, respected, or remembered.

1:12:46 appreciated, respected, or remembered. But shouldn't we try to be the kind of

1:12:48 But shouldn't we try to be the kind of

1:12:48 But shouldn't we try to be the kind of people that deserve to be?

1:12:51 people that deserve to be?

1:12:51 people that deserve to be? And that is why the quest continues. All

1:12:53 And that is why the quest continues. All

1:12:53 And that is why the quest continues. All right, guys. I will see you in

1:12:55 right, guys. I will see you in

1:12:55 right, guys. I will see you in California soon. Give me a day or two to

1:12:58 California soon. Give me a day or two to

1:12:58 California soon. Give me a day or two to rest. I hope you'll

1:13:01 rest. I hope you'll

1:13:01 rest. I hope you'll do the bell or whatever kind of thing or

1:13:02 do the bell or whatever kind of thing or

1:13:02 do the bell or whatever kind of thing or just type in the link and check this

1:13:05 just type in the link and check this

1:13:05 just type in the link and check this video in a couple days cuz YouTube won't

1:13:06 video in a couple days cuz YouTube won't

1:13:06 video in a couple days cuz YouTube won't recommend them. Once you stop for a day

1:13:08 recommend them. Once you stop for a day

1:13:08 recommend them. Once you stop for a day or two, this is always my downfall. I

1:13:11 or two, this is always my downfall. I

1:13:11 or two, this is always my downfall. I need a lot of rest usually for health

1:13:12 need a lot of rest usually for health

1:13:12 need a lot of rest usually for health reasons. Then people are like, "I

1:13:14 reasons. Then people are like, "I

1:13:14 reasons. Then people are like, "I haven't seen your videos in a while."

1:13:15 haven't seen your videos in a while."

1:13:15 haven't seen your videos in a while." They're there. I'm still uploading them.

1:13:18 They're there. I'm still uploading them.

1:13:18 They're there. I'm still uploading them. just it doesn't ever show up on people's

1:13:20 just it doesn't ever show up on people's

1:13:20 just it doesn't ever show up on people's feeds. So, check back in a couple days.

1:13:25 feeds. So, check back in a couple days.

1:13:25 feeds. So, check back in a couple days. I'll be back with you. We'll have some

1:13:27 I'll be back with you. We'll have some

1:13:27 I'll be back with you. We'll have some more adventures.

1:13:29 more adventures.

1:13:29 more adventures. Well, check back in a week. If you don't

1:13:31 Well, check back in a week. If you don't

1:13:31 Well, check back in a week. If you don't see anything in two or three days, check

1:13:33 see anything in two or three days, check

1:13:33 see anything in two or three days, check back in a week and I'll certainly be

1:13:34 back in a week and I'll certainly be

1:13:34 back in a week and I'll certainly be back. For now, I'm headed towards the

1:13:37 back. For now, I'm headed towards the

1:13:37 back. For now, I'm headed towards the setting sun. I got California and the

1:13:41 setting sun. I got California and the

1:13:41 setting sun. I got California and the love of my life out there.

1:13:43 love of my life out there.

1:13:43 love of my life out there. And all things considered with recent

1:13:45 And all things considered with recent

1:13:45 And all things considered with recent events, I'd like to go say hi to my mom

1:13:47 events, I'd like to go say hi to my mom

1:13:47 events, I'd like to go say hi to my mom and my dad. All right, guys.

1:13:51 and my dad. All right, guys.

1:13:51 and my dad. All right, guys. Thanks for listening. Those of you who

1:13:53 Thanks for listening. Those of you who

1:13:53 Thanks for listening. Those of you who care at all, thanks for caring. Thanks

1:13:56 care at all, thanks for caring. Thanks

1:13:56 care at all, thanks for caring. Thanks for being kind. Thanks for being

1:14:00 for being kind. Thanks for being

1:14:00 for being kind. Thanks for being amazing people, better people than me.

1:14:02 amazing people, better people than me.

1:14:02 amazing people, better people than me. I've learned a lot from you, the nice

1:14:04 I've learned a lot from you, the nice

1:14:04 I've learned a lot from you, the nice ones of you. I look forward to seeing

1:14:06 ones of you. I look forward to seeing

1:14:06 ones of you. I look forward to seeing you again.

1:14:08 you again.

1:14:08 you again. Until next time.

1:14:11 Until next time.

1:14:11 Until next time. Heat

1:14:53 Well, I made it back to California.

1:14:53 Well, I made it back to California. Hey,

The Vision Quest is over: A personal reflection

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